How low can you go?
by CrAzYMuNkY
Summary: Sequel to "To fall below adversity". When life continually batters you with endless trials and tribulations you find yourself with one question; how low can you go? CSR Angst/drama
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: Hello all, "To fall below adversity" is back with a sequel "How low can you go?" I haven't given up completely on my GSR story "Timing", but this idea came to me and has taken over my brain. I'm really not satisfied with my other story and it's made me a little gun shy to start this one, but the community of readers and reviewers from my first story were so great I thought I would give it a shot. I'm going to be more cautious with this story since I think I got too ahead of myself with "Timing" so I apologize in advance that my updates won't be as frequent as they were with "To fall below adversity". I've completely lost my confidence with my disappointing showing with "Timing" so I implore that you guys be honest and please give me feedback so I don't lose my way with this one as well. I hope everyone is well and that you enjoy my brain's ranting. Take care everyone!**

If someone would have asked me a year ago where I saw my life going, I probably would have made some off comment about work, teenage issues with Lindsay or something stress related.

It's funny how we always focus on the negative. The grass is always greener on the other side and we always want what we can't have.

But things are different now. I've been scared straight...so to speak.

One year ago I lost my daughter in a tragic, selfish crime. Then shortly after my life partner was shot and almost died on several occasions. Life as I knew it was turned on its head in less than a week.

But all that being said, I'm a lucky woman.

It's taken a long time, but things are starting to normalize again. My baby is still gone, and that hurt never goes away, but my Sara is recovering quite well.

I have been able to resume a normal work schedule and actually feel comfortable with it. It still worries me being away from Sara, but we talk or text often during the day.

For her part, while she's not back at her old job, Sara continues to follow up with Physio, speech and language therapy and most importantly counseling. I'm still attending counseling as well and slowly but surely we are both learning to live with the cards life has dealt us.

As part of our healing and coming to terms with our loss, we have even considered buying a new house...but we have come to the consensus that for now, we are not ready to take that step. We have left Lindsay's room as is...it's strange, I can still almost feel her presence there...and whether or not that's a healthy thing, I'm comforted by it...we both are. I still believe in my heart that Lindsay guided Sara back to me...especially given the fact that Sara was technically dead several times.

Our financial situation isn't too bad at the moment either. I'm working full time and Sara's unemployment and insurance is topping that off. So for the time being we are in no rush to have to sell the house for something smaller. Not to mention my family ties...but I really don't want to go there.

The main concern right now is the two of us getting through the enormous tragedies we have had to endure. I thank God everyday for the love and support our extended work family have enveloped us with as well; I really don't think I would have survived everything alone.

Yes life has changed. Yes we have both suffered...and continue to suffer. But we are still here. I'm grateful for every moment.

You'd think that someone in my profession, who deals with death and suffering every day, would know by now how fragile life is. That your seemingly perfect existence that has taken years to establish, can be ripped away from you without a moment's notice. You'd think that I would have realized by now after having seen people on what is probably the worst day of their lives; usually through no fault of their own; that one day my number would be up as well. After all, life and death must go hand and hand.. It's how the universe balances itself.

Yet, one year ago I knelt on the dirty, dingy ground holding the bloodied body of my only child, paralyzed with fear and anguish, wondering how this could have happened to me and all those I hold dear. I found myself dumbstruck realizing that my life will never be the same again and there is no going back; there is no second chance. But then I almost lost the other love of my life and I realized with stunning clarity that I did have a second chance and I would be foolish to think otherwise. Yes I did have a lot to be sad and angry about, but I also had a lot to be thankful for...and if I didn't start realizing it, it truly may be too late.

Despite our rocky, tense introduction, Sara and I developed a strong friendship that became so much more. In hindsight I realized that moment happened the instant I laid eyes on her; but I needed to earn that love first. I can honestly say I had never been happier in my life; it was beyond words. Lindsay accepted Sara instantaneously and considered her a second mother; they created such a loving bond and my heart just swelled. We were such a happy family...and we still are today. We will never stop grieving for our daughter and while part of my soul died with my baby, the other part in owned and protected by Sara Sidle.

They say that tragedy can bring a family closer, bring out the best in people; but that's not always the rule. However, after everything Sara and I have been through this past year, I can say with absolute conviction that it's not the exception either.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N: ****Hello all! Thank you so much DustyMonkey, mikkir and quietmusician for the reviews!!! Sorry I was later than planned for this update. Life threw some unexpected challenges at me...celebrating life and mourning death. Hopefully I won't be as long with the next update, but things are still off kilter. I really appreciate the feedback, you guys keep me motivated! Thanks everyone for reading and I hope you enjoy the story. Be well and take care everyone!**

"Oh come on Sara, it's not going to be that bad...get your pretty butt in motion already!" Catherine yells over at the defiant lump occupying the living room sofa.

"Look, I hate the dentist too, but you don't see me cowering in the corner! My God woman, you've had tubes the size of a slushy straw shoved between your ribs into your chest...not to mention during your follow-up appointments where you are transformed into the human equivalent of a pin cushion and you don't even bat an eyelash!" Catherine continues as Sara refuses to move or comment.

"Really Sara, you cancelled your last appointment because you said you had the runs! What, did you think they were going to examine your teeth through your A...."

"Alright! Alright! I'm coming!" I cut Cath off. "Smartass!"

"What was that?" Catherine says while charging towards the sofa and sitting on Sara before she had a chance to move, effectively pinning her in place.

"I said I love you Catherine Willows!" I say muffled under the redheaded owner of my heart.

"Good, let's get going, we are both late already. We're lucky as it is that they fit you in with my appointment today. Let's try to at least have one office not despise us...we already had to switch family doctors last month since someone mouthed off at the receptionist in front of everyone." Catherine says exasperated as Sara silently points to herself looking innocent.

"Yes you Sara Sidle! Let me do the talking this time okay?" Catherine says smiling as Sara kisses the back of her head while Cath stands and gets up off her lap.

"That receptionist more than deserved it...and by the way, you ARE a smartass!" I say grabbing the car keys and running out the front door as one of the couch pillows whizzes by my head.

* * *

_God I love that woman! She can drive me insane, but I love her so much! I don't want to even think about what I would have done if she hadn't made it. It's unbelievable how well she's recovered. She hardly slurs or stutters her words anymore too. Only when she's really tired, stressed or angry does the stutter return._

_That's why we have a new family doctor actually. Sara was really anxious and concerned because I needed to make a follow-up appointment for a breast exam because there was a small lump on my breast, and while talking to the receptionist she started to stutter quite bad and the stupid woman made a sarcastic comment about it...Sara was right, the lady deserved the response Sara gave, but we were escorted out nonetheless. As it turned out, the lump was just a swollen lymph node and it resolved itself without a problem; but it was an ordeal with much unneeded stress._

_Still, to this day Sara beats herself up too much. When she's really depressed she'll ask why I stay with someone who's literally and figuratively brain damaged. I tell her the truth, I need her way more then she needs me; I would have died long ago if not for my love for her._

My loving musings are cut short as the shrill beeping of the car horn reverberates through the house.

_Smartass!_

* * *

"For the record I would like to note that us being late is not going to be my fault...I was in the car before you and this stupid traffic topped us off." I say while smugly smiling over at my love who has both hands firmly grasping the steering wheel.

"What is wrong with people! Why must every other street have to have massive construction...on a Sunday to boot! We are so going to have to look for a new dentist now too." Catherine says defeated.

"Well, we could just forget the whole dentist bullshit altogether and..." I start before something catches my eye and my ranting abruptly cuts off.

"C-Cath! Fuck!"

Without any further time for warning or contemplation I instinctively brace my body and close my eyes until the sickening thump, crunching metal, breaking glass and skidding tires fade into a deafening silence.

"C-Cath, a-are you o-okay love?" I manage to stutter out while opening my eyes and looking toward the driver's side.

"Fuck, that asshole ran the red! I'm okay I think, but my left leg is stuck. Are you okay Sara?" Catherine responds as I try to judge if she's really okay; adrenaline and shock can numb you into thinking your okay before the pain has time to set in.

The other car hit us near the hood on the driver's side while we were going through the green and the force almost spun us all the way around. Cath's side definitely took more damage. Although, I think my forehead is bleeding..._I must have smacked in on the window when we were spinning._

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. I'm m-more worried about your leg." I say while wiping my head and taking off my seatbelt to get closer to Catherine.

Poor Cath is still gripping the steering wheel and I pry her hands away before trying to reach over and see if anymore of the twisted metal has hurt my love. My hands are shaking so bad they are barely any use.

"Yeah, okay...my leg is broken. It's hitting me now. Shit! You have GOT to be kidding me!" Catherine yells frustrated while her face begins to contort in pain.

I can hear people yelling and see a crowd gathering outside as I unbuckle Cath's seatbelt. I can already hear sirens in the distant background and can't help but hesitate for a second wondering how much time has passed.

"Take d-deep breaths love, help is on the w-way. You're going to be okay babe. Are you sure n-nothing else hurts? Is your c-chest okay? Oh God Cath...this can't b-be happening." I say while holding Catherine's head in my hands and kissing her forehead.

"I'm okay, really. Is your head okay? I guess you were right about the dentist being evil though. I'll believe this excuse for not making the appointment." Catherine says smiling a cringing smile.

Tears spring to my eyes and the only response I can make is to kiss her again. _It kills me to see her in pain...and trying to hide it to protect me._

As I lean back again to look her over I'm startled by a firefighter tapping on my window. We are both inspected to insure we are medically stable before one of the men leave to grab equipment so they can cut Cath out of the tangled car. Her leg is definitely broken and slightly pinned.

"O-oh C-Cath, please be o-okay babe. I love you s-so much." I say while fighting back more tears. I close my eyes and lean my head back for a second as my head begins to pound in rebellion.

"I'll be okay love. It's okay, we'll get through this babe. We are both tougher than this. You know that." Catherine says to try and reassure me.

_It's strange, suddenly I don't feel so good...my head really isn't happy right now. I don't think I've been this stressed since...yeah, I don't want to go there._

Feeling progressively more confused and trying not to panic about it, I watch in awkward fascination as the firemen prepare the equipment to help free my love of the car.

_I wonder if the other driver is okay...he must be drunk or something. I saw him coming but there was nothing we could do but brace for impact. I'm going to have nightmares of that image for sure._

"Everything is going to be okay Sara. I promise. I love you." Catherine says in a pain filled voice.

"I l-love you too." I answer smiling before I frown in confusion. "C-Cath, check the kitchen, there's something b-burning. The toast is burning."

"What?" Catherine chuckles in confusion before looking over at Sara and seeing her eyes begin to roll back into her head. "Sara! Sara! Look at me babe! Oh God!"

Despite her pinned broken leg, Catherine begins to pull and struggle against her bonds and starts to pound on the remaining glass of the window.

"Somebody help! I need a medic now! Oh please God, not again! Sara! Somebody help me!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N:****Hello all, sorry it took this long. ****Thank you so much once again DustyMonkey, ilovekc, mikkir and quietmusician for the reviews!!! And thanks for your patience and well wishes during this difficult time. ****Things still may take a little longer to get posted than I'd like...I'm not finding much time to write anymore. I have many ideas and twists planned for this piece and I want to warn everyone in advance that I foresee this one being much darker than the first. I use this writing as an outlet...and I seem to get more inspiration from the less appealing aspects of life. I hope I'm not disappointing so far, I'm really being careful and taking my time to make sure I don't become stagnant. Once again please keep the feedback coming because I really do take it to heart. Thanks for reading and take care everyone!**

_Oh God! Shit, my head is killing me! I must have had way too much to drink! This is a bastard of a hangover! I'm so fuzzy and confused. I wish this feeling would just go away! I learned my lesson, now please stop._

_Wait, is that beeping? I know that sound! This has to be a nightmare! Oh God! No!_

Without any further contemplation or consideration for the pounding in my skull, I snap my eyes open and attempt to sit up.

"Easy Sara, you're okay dear." Jim says standing up from his chair beside the bed.

"Yes, you're in a hospital. You and Cath were involved in a pretty bad car accident a few hours ago."

_At the mention of my love's name all the frightening memories flood back like a tidal wave and my blood runs cold._

"Jim, w-where's Cath? Is she okay? H-her leg..." I start forcing myself up before Jim places his hands on my shoulders holding me in place.

"Stop Sara. Relax, take a deep breath and don't fight me. Catherine's okay. Her leg was badly broken though, but it's being taken care of. You had a minor seizure when the paramedics arrived...so calm yourself down so nothing else happens...understand?" Jim says in her worried no nonsense tone.

"I-I'm fine. Okay...I'm calm. But take me to Cath now Jim...please." I reply consciously slowing my speech to avoid the annoying stress stutter. I'm shaking uncontrollably and desperately trying not to cry.

"I've hit the call bell for the nurse...I don't know when you'll be allowed to see Catherine, they may not be able to discharge you right away Sara. You'll be no use to Cath if your hurt yourself dear." Jim says still trying to calm me down.

"No! No nurses, no doctors...no damn hospital! I'm not doing this Jim! I need to see Catherine! I-I..." I begin before a young nurse enters the room and I direct my attention at her.

"I want the discharge forms. I'll sign myself out against medical advice if I have to...I just need to get out of here now."

"I understand your concern miss Sidle, but you need to stay at least until the doctor examines you. After the car accident you experienced..." The nurse begins before my rising temper can't take it anymore.

"No, you don't understand! My partner was seriously injured and I need to see her now! You go and tell your l-little d-doctor..." I cut the nurse off before I myself am cut short.

"Enough Sara! I know where you're coming from...trust me...but taking it out on the poor nurse isn't going to get you anywhere. Now calm down yourself, or they will help you calm down...and I know you don't want to be sedated." Jim says taking control of the situation.

Momentarily stunned by the atmosphere in the room and the detective restoring order, the young nurse takes a deep breath before responding.

"Miss Sidle, I will try to get an update for you on your partner while you wait to see the doctor okay, but I'm going to need to take your vitals first if you don't mind."

"She doesn't, go ahead nurse. Thank you." Jim replies as Sara frowns in frustration knowing she's been beat.

Once the nurse has finished her ministrations and is confident her patient is stable, she offers Sara painkillers; who promptly refuses, so as promised she leaves to find out more information.

"Look Sara, Gil is watching over Cath so rest assured she's in good hands. The important thing is for you to remain calm. You will be no use to your girl if you're in restraints for putting yourself in danger." Jim continues to chastise Sara.

Putting her quivering hands up to her face, the only response Sara can manage is to let out a heartbreaking sob as her eyes fill and spill over with large warm tears.

"No, no Sara. It's okay darling, please don't cry. Everything is going to be okay sweetheart. Catherine is okay, you are okay." Jim says while gathering the shaking brunette in his arms and kissing the top of her head.

"I'm s-scared Jim...I'm s-so scared." Sara sobs in his chest while holding onto him as if her very life depended on it.

"I know Sara, but everything will be okay. Catherine is stable, you are stable, we've been through worse, we'll get through this. You both were lucky...I uh, I saw the wreak...and I thought...well..." Jim starts before he himself get choked up and just squeezes Sara harder.

"Thank you Jim. You're right, we'll be okay. I love you like a father you know...and Catherine loves you so much too." I say while kissing the side of Jim's head while he continues to let go of his burden.

_Poor Jim has been our rock, he's been through Hell and back with us all the way. He and I have talked about our shared experience and suffering. I know how bad his nerves have suffered over the past year and I fear for him._

"I love you too Sara, you two are my girls. Now, enough of all this crying." Jim says in a half laugh, half cry as he wipes his eyes and tries to straighten up.

"Sara!" An out of breath and exasperated Gil Grissom says from the doorway. His expression quickly softens as he sees Sara awake and talking. "Thank God you're okay!"

"I'm fine Gil, thank you. How's Catherine?" I say wiping the remnants of the tears off my face.

"She's still in surgery, but the surgeon came out and said it was a success, they are just finishing up now. She's stable and they are confident she'll make a full recovery. But she'll need some extensive physiotherapy along the way. The tibia and fibula were both broken in several places and the knee ligaments took a bit of a beating, but her femur and blood vessels were untouched. She's going to be fine dear." Grissom says, reiterating everything he had been told to Catherine's concerned partner.

"What did the doctor say about you?"

"The doc is going to come see me soon. I'm bumped and bruised, but I'm okay." I begin as Grissom frowns and looks over his glasses at me.

"It was just a minor seizure...probably from stress." I say preoccupied with the information I just heard about my love. _I trust Gil completely, but I won't feel better until I hold Catherine in my arms and see that she's okay with my own eyes._

"Excuse me, Miss Sidle?" An older balding man says from the doorway, interrupting my chain of thought.

"I am she." I say in a slightly detached tone. _I can't hide the fact that I'm sick of doctors and hospitals...I've more than met my quota for the next ten years._

"I'm the doctor on call tonight, may I talk to you in private please?" The man says in a practiced polite tone.

"Sure, why not." I reply uninterested before returning my attention to Jim and Gil.

"Guys, would you mind checking up on how Cath's doing for me while we have a chat please?"

"Okay Sara, we'll be back in a few then. Be good." Jim says smirking before kissing me before moving aside allowing Gil to do the same.

As they leave I can't help but sigh as I turn my attention to the doctor. _Nothing against this man, but I'm beyond sick of the formalities and other medical bullshit._

"Okay Sara, I heard you want to be discharged so I'll make a deal with you. Stay for a few more hours for observation and allow us to draw blood for a few tests and I'll have you out of here before your partner is out of surgical recovery." The doctor begins before pulling out an x-ray and holding it up to the light for me to see as well.

"We took an x-ray when you were brought in and we have an interesting result here that I'd like to discuss with you." He says as I remain silent.

_Great...just keep it coming..._

* * *

"Do you think we should have left her alone Gil?" Jim asks as he tries to adjust his position on the impossibly uncomfortable surgical waiting room chair.

"We had no choice, unless she gives consent for us to stay...we technically aren't family." Gil replies defeated.

"Not family my ass! After everything we've been through this past year...people give too much credit to blood; to be family is an earned privilege... I would trade places with Sara or Catherine in a heartbeat; you think her bastard of a father would have ever said that?!" Jim says standing up and raising his hands in frustration.

"I know Jim. You know Sara herself considers you her father. She is family, and we will get her through this just like before." Gil replies before his attention is drawn to the surgeon entering the room.

"May I speak to the family of Miss Willows please?" The man in scrubs asks as Jim cringes slightly at the word 'family'.

"That would be us." Grissom responds as Jim struggles to suppress his anger.

"I am pleased to announce the surgery was a complete success and miss Willows is currently in the surgical recovery room. We will monitor her here for a few hours, then she'll be moved to an ortho unit to continue her recovery. She'* medically stable and I have every confidence she'll make a full recovery. However, I'm afraid she can't have any visitors until she's transferred to the new unit." The surgeon informs us all in one shot before joining his hands and nodding.

"So she's really okay?" Jim asks quietly; all evidence of anger gone.

"Yes Sir, she's going to be just fine." The doctor gently repeats.

"Thank you doctor, we'll relay this information to her partner, she should be discharged from the ER soon." Grissom says as the relief of knowing both his girls will be okay washes over him.

As the doctor leaves, both Jim and Gil silently communicate with each other and without a word spoken, both sit back down to digest this recent crisis their extended family have once again been burdened with. The tired sigh that emanates from the two men serves as evidence of how brutal life can be when it continually kicks you around.

* * *

"Look, please...I'm really trying to be patient, and I hate to be a pain, but I can't take this anymore...please." Sara pleads to the nurse who is looking increasingly uncomfortable.

"Sara?" Grissom says as a way of an introduction.

"Gil, please...I need to go see Cath now...I'm going to go into heart failure sitting here worrying. I need to see she's okay with my own eyes." Sara continues sitting up in bed.

"You can't even see her yet anyway Sar, she'll be in the recovery room for a while yet and they won't allow visitors." Jim says appearing behind Grissom.

"Please nurse, you have my blood for the tests...please just give me the medical release form. Hell, I'll be in the hospital anyway! I'm not leaving until I can see and hold Catherine myself." Sara says as her eyes begin to fill with tears.

"Okay Miss Sidle, I'll get the forms...and a pair of scrubs for you to wear. I'm afraid they cut off your clothes when you were first brought in." The nurse says before turning to leave to get said items.

"Crap, Cath just got me those pants...I finally gained enough weight back to have an ass." I say with a sad chuckle.

"I'm sure she'll get you another pair dear. Hell, you and I can go shopping after all this if you'd like." Jim says approaching Sara with a sad smile.

"I love you guys!" I say giving Jim a hug as he helps me sit at the edge of the bed. _Despite everything, he still knows how to make me smile. I don't know what I would do without them._

As the nurse returns with my scrubs and forms, the guys excuse themselves to allow me to change.

When the task is completed, the guys return and I force them to take me to the surgical recovery department. I don't care if they don't allow visitors, I need to see Catherine or I'm going to explode.

"I'm sorry miss, we don't allow visitors here. I can show you to a waiting room if you'd like." A nurse says approaching me.

"May I please see my partner, even if it's through the glass. I won't break any rules, I just really need to see that she's alive." I manage to say in a patient tone that I really don't feel.

Perhaps it's the pathetic way I look or the fact that my eyes are filling with tears, but the nurse actually seems to be considering my request.

After walking away and speaking to someone briefly, the nurse returns to my side and says she will escort me to the window of the recovery room and allow me to see her for a minute.

_I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth...but what I really want is to hold her and feel for myself that she's really okay._

"Okay maam, she's the second bed from the glass. But keep in mind that there will be many tubes and machines attached to her since she's still heavily sedated from the surgery. As soon as all the drugs have left her system she'll be extubated and taken to a unit where they allow visitors." The nurse says while still holding onto my arm.

_Even though I've experienced all these things and you'd think with my intimate knowledge that I wouldn't be scared or shocked...let me tell you, that's not the case at all._

_Seeing Cath intubated and looking so vulnerable literally takes my breath away. My heart breaks into minute pieces and I feel a pang of guilt realizing this is how Cath saw me over a year ago. No one should have to see their loved one like this...it's beyond words._

After giving me a few moments in silence, the nurse gently guides me back to the nursing station where Gil and Jim wait with expectant looks.

All I can manage is to collapse into Jim's chest and cry. I can vaguely hear the nurse explaining to us that there is nothing to be upset about, that the surgery was a success and Catherine should wake up soon, but it doesn't make me feel any better at the moment.

I can hear Gil speak and thank her, but I can't even concentrate on what he's saying either.

All I can see in my head is the headlights of the car coming right at us...the screeching of rubber and crunching of metal...Cath's face contort in pain...and now a machine breathing for her.

I thought I could never feel the immense fear I felt when Lindsay was murdered...now I know I still can. I almost lost the only other love of my life.

As I hold unto Jim and allow myself to release all my fear and anguish I realize in this moment that I'm not as strong as Catherine...and I can't live without her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N:** **Thank you so much quietmusician, mikkir, bebe, GSRCSILVR25 and OnlyNic313 for the wonderful reviews! ****I am so, so, so very sorry it's taken this long for an update. I've been trying to find time to write, but it seems life has other evil plans for me. I can't believe it's been that long...I'm really sorry. Thanks for sticking with me. I implore that you bear with me and my less than frequent updates...your patience will be rewarded with more CSR angst. I have a plan...I just need to find time to create it. As always, I look forward to hear your feedback. Thanks for reading and take care everyone.**

"Hey, you shouldn't be smoking!" I hear a voice from beyond bellow.

"Sara Sidle, what in God's name do you think you're doing? Actually...what are you doing here?"

"Hi Elizabeth...it's a long story." I reply to the fiery nurse I can now call friend.

"Seriously girl, you do realize you had a partial lobecotomy. Smoking is one of the worst things you could do to your poor battered lungs. All that horrible tar and nasty chemicals ...with that smooth warming feeling...actually, do you mind if I bum one?" The hyper nurse fruitlessly lectures me as hand her one.

"These may be cancer sticks, but damn that's good. You do realize Catherine is going to have your ass on a platter when she sees you, you know."

Without thinking I instinctively flinch at the mention of my love's name; which doesn't go unnoticed by the observant nurse.

"Oh Sara...please don't tell me." The nurse gasps while noticing for the first time they are both wearing matching scrubs.

"We were in a car accident. Catherine's in the surgical recovery. Her leg was badly broken." I say as the annoying tears return.

"Oh Sara! You really shouldn't be out here. Let's get you inside sweetheart." Elizabeth says switching into nurse mode flicking the cigarette aside and holding me at arm's length assessing for injuries.

"Did you get that bump on your head looked at? Where did your head hit? Did you tell them about the epilepsy?"

"I'm fine Elizabeth, I've been looked at and discharged. I'm just waiting for Cath to be transferred to the ortho unit since they don't allow visitors in recovery." I say all in one breath while handing the now pale looking nurse a new cigarette.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. But medically speaking, that does sound promising... try not to over think things, Cath is like you, it takes way more than that to keep you down." Elizabeth says after pausing in shock for a second before taking the new cigarette and lighting it.

"I know, but I'm just so scared. Cath has always been the strong one. She can and has handled so much, I don't know if I can do what she's done. Seeing her so helpless...I just panicked. I don't know what to do." I reply while taking a long drag of my cigarette.

"I'm sorry I can't get you in to see her. They are quite strict in the surgical recovery...I'm not even allowed in. But as soon as she's moved to the new unit, You'll be able to see your girl. Everything will be okay Sara sweetheart." Elisabeth replies while taking a drag of her smoke then placing her hand on my knee.

"Thanks. I...I just can't believe this is happening to us again. How much can one family take? Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm cursed...that I'm not meant to be happy." I say with a slight emotional quiver.

"No Sara, look at what you've already survived; you're a fighter. Not everybody would have endured what you have and still be a functioning member of society. Never sell yourself short. What you and Catherine have is a rare gem; hell, it motivates me. Seeing you two together and happy is like the epitome of love concurring all. It renews my faith in the human race...there still are good people out there." Elizabeth says taking her final drag of the cigarette before flicking it out.

We both sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes letting the weight of what we just discussed set in. After our contemplation is finished, we look at each other and silently nod.

"Let me get you a coffee, I still have 20 minutes before I have to get back. Elizabeth says while standing and embracing the strong, yet battered brunette.

"I'm always here for you Sara, you know that and you have a great support from your friends. It's not fair, but you'll make it...your too damn stubborn for anything less."

As the two friends embrace again and head into the hospital, in the surgical recovery Catherine begins to stir from her drug induced slumber.

/

"It says here in her chart that her daughter passed away over a year ago in a kidnapping/murder and that her female partner was shot not too long after...ouch. She has a supportive family who are already fighting to be involved...so that's good. But does that mean she's divorced and living with the partner that was shot?" Victor says to fellow doctor Janet and social worker Jane.

"I think the husband died years before. so I guess sometime after that the two women got together and were living together with the young daughter...so yeah, it would be her and the partner now alone." Jane replies flipping through the files.

"So does that mean Catherine was taking care of Sara before this accident? Because it says that after the shooting she was practically DOA and had to resuscitated several times...it was messy. Sara is technically brain damaged and still suffers seizures as a result." Janet says while flipping through the patient summary for Sara's rather large pile of medical records.

"So should we be thinking about discharging Catherine home; given she adequately recovers, since she'd be only living with Sara? Is Sara even a capable caregiver because of the brain damage?" Jane asks writing notes in Catherine's social history and looking up at the two doctors.

/

The waiting room in the surgical unit is never a fun place to be. If someone is in here it means that a loved one is undergoing a procedure that could drastically change the lives of all those connected to them. There are often huddles of people either crying, praying or in deep thought staring at the clock and waiting to be told the latest news. The room is always well stocked with tissues. It's a very intimating experience for any new healthcare professional; and even some seasoned veterans. All the books and all the classes never adequately prepare you how to feel when you have to tell a waiting family that their loved one is lost to them forevermore.

For medical intern Josie, stepping into the waiting room and having at least 20 pairs of eyes, some swollen and red, snap up at you with tension thick in the air, is an experience she will not soon forget. She can't help but feel her own heart rate increase and a sickening feeling rise up her abdomen...and she's not even having to relay bad news this time.

"May I speak to the family of Catherine Willows please?" Josie says in a quiet voice as the room falls deadly silent.

Jim and Sara practically jump out of their seat as the young woman approaches.

"I just wanted to let you know that miss Willows is awake and has been extubated. She'll be taken to the ortho unit shortly, so if you like I can show you both there." Josie says in a rush as she can see the colour draining from their faces for fear of being told bad news.

"She is doing very well, she's stable. She'll probably be a little dopey tonight, but so far everything seems to be proceeding as planned."

"So she's okay...like really okay?" Sara says letting out the breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Yes, she is. Did no one come out earlier and tell you the surgery went well?" Josie asks surprised at the urgency in the brunettes voice.

"Yes, the surgeon spoke with us earlier. We are just a little anxious...it's been a really long night." Jim pipes in as a tired and weary Sara slightly blushes.

_Long night is an understatement...all we were supposed to do was see the Goddamn dentist, be miserable and swollen...come home and once we stopped drooling from the numbing shit they use, have a beer and snuggle in bed and read a book. How the hell did all this happen? Why us again? _

I don't have the energy or brainpower to speak or even think anymore, so I allow the woman and Jim to escort me to the Ortho unit and Catherine's new room. I think I'm too exhausted and numb to even cry. All I can do is allow myself to be sat down in a chair and stare off into space.

However, my revere id short lived and I find myself jump in surprise as two men wheel a bed into the room with my confused and pale looking love tucked in the middle with her leg suspended in a traction device.

...I take back the part about being too tired to cry...warm angry tears instantly spill tracks down my face as we make eye contact.

"C-can we just go to the dentist?" I say quietly as a way of introduction to no one in particular.

Catherine locks her groggy eyes on mine and we seem to have a silent conversation with each other inquiring about the others health as well as expressing relief to see the other is alive and relatively well.

"Can we seriously just have a normal happy life? And do normal things like go to the dentist? Why do we have to fight for our lives every few months?" I start saying out loud again getting increasingly louder with each word.

_I don't know why I'm saying this...I should be professing my love or asking how she's feeling...why am I feeling so angry all of a sudden...it's like my mouth is going off without my brains approval...I think I'm finally starting to crack._

"What did we do to deserve all this shit? Why us? Why again?" I say seemingly unable to control myself.

"It's okay Sara. Look, Catherine is right in front of you, she's okay, you're okay." Jim says approaching me as the men park and lock Catherine's bed in place.

"No! No, this is not okay! We are not okay! Does this look fucking okay to you?" I shout while standing up and throwing my hands up in the air.

"Sara? It's okay love, I'm okay see?" Catherine's tired and quiet voice breaks through the growing tension.

"No! We have suffered more than enough! We were just going to the fucking dentist!" I continue to scream no longer caring who hears.

"Calm down Sara, don't upset Catherine. You're not helping..." Jim starts while reaching out to me.

"Don't fucking touch me! I don't fucking care! I've had it!" I scream in a shaky, almost unrecognizable voice; even to myself.

_I'm out of control, I know...but suddenly I don't care. I can't take this anymore._

I back away from Jim until my back hits the windowsill and my arm gently hits the flower pot seated there.

"Is everything okay in here? Should I call security?" A young woman asks as she tentatively pokes her head into the room.

"We are okay. Sara..." Catherine begins before I cut her off.

"What, am I being too loud? Did I disturb you? Fuck you! You want to escort me out?" I scream before point at Jim.

"You want to arrest me?" I ask before turning around and grabbing the flower pot and flinging it against the wall. The impending crash causes everyone to jump back in surprise.

"You want to arrest me?Go ahead!" I continue now officially out of control, throwing my arms out to the side.

"Come on! A-arrest me! W-why not, that's one thing life hasn't t-thrown in my face y-yet! Go for it, I don't fucking c-care anymore!"

"Sara? Oh Sara..." Catherine mutters with the saddest, most empathic face I've seen; and my heart just continues to break.

_It's strange, it's almost like this isn't me...like I'm watching myself act out, but I'm somehow detached. I can see Jim and another strange man approaching me...but it's almost in slow motion. Catherine looks devastated. All I wanted to do was hold, hug and kiss her...how did I make this meeting about me? Why am I always making myself the centre of attention? I really fucked up this time...and the worst thing is I'm aware of all this but still unable to control myself...almost like i'm possessed._

"Please, don't..." I say gesturing towards Jim's outstretched arm.

"This is all just like a bad joke...just make it stop...please...I can't take this anymore...please."

"Please let us handle this. Don't call security, I'm a detective...you don't know the history here...she needs this. I'll handle this, thank you." Jim says to the ever-growing crowd at Catherine's door.

Both Sara and Catherine are now crying and it takes all of Jim's willpower not to join in their suffering. But he has to be the stable one for now...when he's home alone he'll allow his emotions their needed release.

"It's okay Sara, let it out. You're right, it's not fair sweetheart. You both deserve nothing but happiness and tranquility...this isn't fair." Jim says gently while approaching the now shacking brunette.

"Come here sweetheart, let me help you."

"I just want a normal life...I just want to grow old with you Cath...I'm so sorry." I say taking Jims arm before my legs lose their strength and Jim guides us both to the floor in a crying, tangled heap.

"Am I the cause of all this? Am I just meant to suffer?"

"No my love, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Come here babe." Catherine says with her arms outstretched as far as the IV will allow.

Jim has to help me up and practically deposits me on the side of Catherine's bed. I feel like I've just run a marathon and come in dead last.

Finally able to achieve my desired purpose of the night, I wrap my arms around my love and rest my head gently on her chest and allow myself to cry. We stay like this for several moments until I feel Jim's hand on my shoulder.

"We have to leave now Sara. I'm going to come home with you and stay the night okay?" Jim says gently while looking at Catherine as if relieving her unspoken worry of Sara being home alone in this state.

Looking at the broken flower pot with dry soil littering the floor, I sniff and rub my eyes before speaking.

"For the record, I didn't kill that plant. It was already long gone, I just liberated the poor thing."

This elicits another half stifled sob from Catherine before she grabs my head and kisses it.

"I want you to go home and have a good sleep Sara. I'll send your sorry ass back home if you come in here tomorrow looking tired."

"But I always look tired...that's not fair. I'm going to come here as soon as visiting hours begin! Actually, can I stay here with you tonight? I won't hurt you or get in the way." I say trying not to sound as childish as I feel. I really don't sleep well without my love next to me.

"Sara, go home with Jim. Then he can drive you here tomorrow if you're well enough. I want to know what happened to you in all of this...oh and make sure you take your medication tonight...are you sure you shouldn't be hospitalized tonight too? You better not have signed yourself out against medical advice!" Catherine says more clear now that the medications are leaving her system, allowing her mind to try to piece together everything that's happened thus far.

"Enough for tonight you two. We'll talk shop tomorrow. I'll make sure Sara behaves, but you better behave yourself too Catherine. I don't want to hear from the nurse tomorrow that your pushing yourself or breaking any rules! I swear, you two are just too similar! How I haven't lost every hair on my head from you both is beyond me!" Jim says putting both of us in our place and finally rendering us both silent.

"Yes Jim." Catherine and I say at the same time defeated.

"See! My God, grant me the strength..." Jim mutters walking to the door.

"I love you so much Cath, have a good night babe." I say smirking.

"You too Sara. I love you too."

"And call if anything..." I start before Jim cuts me off.

"Don't start Sara...let's get going okay. I love you too Cath, feel better." Jim says while taking my arm and guiding me out.

As we are leaving I see a housekeeping lady coming with a broom and waste basket.

"I'm really sorry about the plant...I don't know what happened to me...I didn't mean to...I'm not like that...I..." I begin ranting.

"That's okay dear, you don't have to explain, I understand." The kind older woman says before wishing us a good night.

As we enter Jim's car I realize ours must be totaled in a junk yard right now and I involuntarily cringe.

As if sensing my growing fear and apprehension, Jim is at my side in a second and tries to convince me not to think about it and just close my eyes until we get home...as well as some saying about getting back on the horse.

I love Jim and trust him completely, but I hate these catch all sayings.

_Despite my apprehension for all things car, my battered and abused mind and body took control because before I knew it, Jim was waking me up and helping me out of the car. it seems that mother nature is in sympathy with our turmoil, as the sky has darkened with angry flashes of lightening stabbing through the dark._

Jim and I barely speak to one another as he helps me into bed. words don't seem to have the power they once held. our situation is now truly beyond them.

As I settle into a numb sleep, the absence of my love beside me sits on my chest like a concrete block. As much as I don't want to admit or acknowledge it, sometimes I just wish it would all end. Sometimes I wish I was dead; encompassed in peaceful nothingness where there is no more suffering or turmoil. Sometimes I just feel that it's my lot in life to suffer.

As lightening and heavy rain continue to batter the Las Vegas sky, the two physically separated souls fall into an uneasy sleep; hoping beyond hope that peace will finally enter their lives.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. ****Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!**

**A/N:** **Okay, first off I am so, so sorry for the insane delay in posting. I know it's been said a thousand times and really offers no consolation, but real life just didn't give me any time to write. I hope there are at least a few of you out there that are willing to put up with my less than frequent updates and keep up with my story. I am determined to see this though. I was wondering though, what do I have to do to find a beta for this story? Sorry, I'm still not too sure on how things work on this site. I'm just concerned with the format of this story...I have all my ideas planned out as to where I want this to go...but I want to make sure it comes out the way I see it in my head. I'm afraid the story doesn't flow the way other stories I enjoy reading on this site do. Either way, I will complete this story eventually...even if no one wants to read it. I hate when some stories just die off and never get completed...or the writers hold the story hostage for more reviews...I won't do that (although I will plead to you guys to review because I really look forward to reading them. Even if it is a quick hello or whatever. I check my e-mail every day and look forward to seeing an e-mail from fanfiction...sad, i know.) Keep at me to keep the story moving...I can't let it go that long again. ANYWAYS... since this was a long rant and I know I often skim over long A/N's let me just say I'm sorry again and thank you. I hope everyone is well. Take care!**

I close my eyes and allow myself to completely focus on the strong fingers that massage and scratch through my hair. The soothing smell of shampoo graces my senses and I can't help but wonder why I've never noticed my shampoo smell that good...I pay enough for it...well, the point is, for the first time in almost three months, I'm actually, truly relaxed.

I sigh a contented sigh and crack one eye open enough to see Cath's casted leg sticking out awkwardly in the chair beside me.

We decided to treat ourselves to a professional wash and cut today to officially mark our freedom from the stressful hell that has been our lives for the past six and a half weeks and to just feel normal again. Since Cath was discharged last week she wanted to wash and cleanse away all things hospital, so going to our favorite hairdresser of five years was an excellent idea.

Plus it was ever so kindly brought to my attention that I was looking disheveled and a comment or two was dropped about my not being able to take care of myself without Catherine's help...I guess this visit was in order...although, I'll kill before I admit my complete dependence on my love; I am head over heels to have her home.

The fact that I maybe missed a few doses of my meds because I was distracted with our situation has nothing to do with the fact Cath wasn't there to do it for me...that's just unfounded...and that's my story and I'm sticking to it...I'm not that helpless without Catherine am I?

It was bad enough the way we were questioned and prodded by the social workers and doctors at the hospital prior to the discharge. For a while there I wasn't sure they were going to discharge Cath into my care. Talk about lowering a girl's self-esteem...okay, I know technically I suffered brain damage after my whole ordeal last year but damn...I'm not an invalid...I have a few brain cells left!

...I think we should go for a full body massage after the hair dresser is done with us. The way this lady is massaging my scalp...I think my neck and shoulders would appreciate the same sort of attention...

My happy relaxed thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a Sharp stabbing pain in my lower back followed by an uncontrollable series of rattling coughs that I fail to suppress.

"Everything okay over there babe?" Catherine asks whilst trying to sit up slightly.

"Yeah, just swallowed the wrong way I guess...sorry babe. How you feeling? The leg bothering you at all?" I quickly ask trying to divert the attention away from myself.

_I'm really going to have to follow up with my doctor soon; these pains are becoming more frequent now. How am I going to do this without alerting Cath's freak out over protective radar though...?_

"...seriously the best idea you've had this week Sara. This is just divine and...Are you even listening to me? Are you sure everything is okay Sara?"

_Damn radar...caught already..._

"Of course I am! What? It's hard to concentrate when my scalp is being massaged like this. You're totally right, I should start thinking more often eh?"

_...yeah, real smooth Sidle. She's giving you the 'I can see through your bullshit ramblings' look already. Oh boy...I think her lower eyelid just twitched too...not good! Maybe I should just come clean now and tell her the whole stupid situation and stop digging my own grave. She'll find out sooner or later anyway, and then she'll give me the 'I thought we were going to be completely honest with each other up front' rant. Followed by the 'now I don't know if I can trust you to tell me stuff' guilt trip._

"...and seriously, sometimes I wish I could just get in your head and fish around for five minutes Sara! Maybe then I could finally understand the full mystery that is Sara Sidle. Because..."

_Oh dear God...it begins already! Yeah, I'm screwed..._

/

_Damn my back is killing me! I should have just booked us an appointment with a massage therapist the other day. Why didn't I again?...oh right...that one legged vixen distracted me...She truly is a woman of many talents...with one leg still in a cast no less..._

"Sara! For the love of God, are you going deaf on me now? I said if you don't get your skinny butt in the shower now, I'm going in first and you forfeit your right to bitch about how long I take and how much hot water I use." Catherine's voice pierces through my happy walk down memory lane.

"Yeah, yeah fine I'm going now. I refuse to have another ice cold shower because someone doesn't know the meaning of taking a quick shower...and don't even start blaming it on the cast...your notorious forty minute showers far precede the cast." I bellow back, smiling to myself when I hear Cath stop short her response; unable to deny what we both know to be true.

"Start wrapping your leg now...I'll be out before your even finished, then I'll help you finish it off Cath."

A grumpy grunt is the only acknowledgement i get, so I head into the washroom and organize my hair products along the edge of the tub.

Half way through the shower, the annoying tickle from before turns into a full-fledged, eye watering, body racking cough.

For a few seconds I swear I see stars as I place an unsteady hand on the damp, condensation filmed shower wall. The steam of the shower seemed to help loosen things up at least a bit as I manage to cough up some lung gunk; shuttering slightly.

_Uhh nasty! Don't tell me I've accumulated lung butter already! I only had a few cigarettes at the hospital that time...and the couple I sneaked yesterday...and the one today...crap! I really don't want to get hooked again. It was a small miracle I was actually able to quit before... after years of being a pack a day smoker._

I get another good lung clearing cough and spit before I stop dead in my tracks. I quickly turn off the water and hop out of the shower searching for a tissue.

_Shit, shit, shit...not good, not good!_

I force another cough out and spit into the tissue to confirm my fears.

_Okay...I think I'm coughing up blood...well...yeah I am, because there it is... Shit!.. Bad, bad, bad... The doctor had told me that day when he showed me the film, that in comparing my chest x-ray from when I was shot to the new one after our car accident that it looked like the bullet fragment that they didn't want to remove during my initial surgery had migrated._

_..I guess it's lodged in my lung now or something...I don't know! Why is this shit always happening to me? What did I do in a past life or whatever to deserve this! You have got to be kidding me! What am I supposed to do now? Cath is hurt; I'm supposed to be looking after her the way she looked after me!_

Another bloody cough courses through my body and I'm forced to spit out the coppery nastiness as full-fledged panic sets in.

_What do I do! I don't know what to do!...okay, okay. Calm down...act natural...and see that ER doc again somehow..._

_...without alerting Cath...While taking care of her and pampering her the way she deserves..._

_I am not going to take this away from her. I am going to take care of her, the way she took care of me..._

_I'm screwed!_

_For once since our lives got destroyed by that bastard, I'm not the center of attention. Poor Cath not only lost her flesh and blood...her reason for existing...she then had to deal with my being shot and almost dying and the misplaced guilt that entailed. _

_Then we go through another level of hell with my brain damaged self and Cath still stayed strong and held things together. Then we try to resume some semblance of a normal life before getting in a car wreck and Catherine is seriously hurt._

_For once Cath is the center of attention. She's hurt and needs comforting._

_But no, I have to swoop in again and cause issues...no. I'm not going to tell anyone about this. I'll deal with it on the side, but first Catherine needs our undivided attention. _

_How did my life come to this...like some poor little puppy that gets kicked around that everyone founds over. No! Catherine has held everything together too long on the sidelines. She is the center of attention, not me. She is the center of my universe for God sake!_

_Okay, okay...Clean up and pull it together Sidle! Then get out there and take care of your love. You've survived being shot point blank in the chest before...you can take care of this pesky fragment or whatever while taking care of things at home._

_Yeah... I'll work all this out myself._

I quickly dress, and reach for my bottle of pain killers behind the mirror.

_If I just take one, it should numb the pain enough that I can take care of Cath without having to wince too much...at the same time, it won't be too much that I may slur or look high...yeah, this should do for now. _

_I was trying to taper down to not needing these things at all...but until I see the doc and get this crap sorted out, I guess I'll have to. Breathing doesn't hurt, so I don't think it's too serious yet...I know coughing up blood is never a good thing, but I think I'll be fine until I can go see my doc... I'll take care of it...in time._

As soon as I open the bottle, a body tensing cough sneaks up out of nowhere, causing my arm to jerk and several pills to fly out of the bottle, landing unceremoniously in a puddle on our tiled floor.

_Crap...what next? Can't this whole ordeal just be over and done with? There is always something...it just won't let you forget and move on._

I can't help but sigh as I reach down to pick up the now partially melted pills.

I opt to just wipe the whole melted glob of white in a piece of toilet paper and flush it down the toilet. It's not until the plunger is fully depressed and I'm watching the narcotic laced toilet paper swirl down to its watery demise, that my brain kicks in to alert me of trouble.

_Shit...no, no, no, undo, undo! Damn! _

The toilet clunks and it's gone.

_Oh...no...sorry fishy..._

_You're not supposed to flush medication...it's bad for the water and for you guys._

_...Although, I'm sure you won't mind...that was good shit, you'll be nice and high and won't feel a thing as you swim right into those funky looking nets and certain death..._

_I have way too much on my mind right now to be healthy...oh well..._

I swallow my pill, quickly check the mirror, square my shoulders and head out to our room.

"See, are you even finished wrapping your leg yet? I told you I was fast!"

/

_Freaking know it all...I would have been finished wrapping my leg before she got out if the stupid roll of tape hadn't fallen and rolled under the bed! At least I had managed to fish it out from under there before she came out. I would never have lived that down._

_Head and shoulders under the bed with ass and bad leg sticking up...yeah...not one of my finer moments...thank God nobody saw that._

I turn off the water and let it all drain out before attempting to stand from the shower chair Sara had set in place so I could shower without trying to stand on one leg.

I manage to dry off and dress before something catches my eye and I freeze in place.

"Oh come on...Sara!" I catch myself saying out loud even though I know she's not within ear shot.

_What the fuck is this...what did you do?_

I reach down into the garbage can and examine the bloody tissue. At first glance I don't notice any other evidence of her bad habit...there are no bloodied razors around...although her painkiller bottle is noticeably more empty than this morning.

_I knew the stress of me being hurt was getting to her...that's why I've been counting her painkillers. I know that sounds harsh, but like it or not, she did abuse them last year...and I know she's been smoking on and off...no matter how hard she tries to cover up the smell. I didn't ream into her because I thought it would cause more trouble, but now I wish I had._

_There isn't a lot of blood here, so maybe she took a few pills, had a little cut session in the shower to take the edge off, and then chased that with a few more pills to numb her body and soul. She has been acting somewhat mysterious lately. I should have trusted my instincts and called her on it earlier. _

_What was I thinking...that all these demons would just go away because we promised to be open with each other? I guess with everything that's going on, a little relapse shouldn't be unexpected...it doesn't look like she did too much damage...I guess it's just time for me to take charge again._

_I'll demand she explains herself...ream into her about not talking to me about it first...give her the guilt trip, then just take it from there based on her reaction...that sounds like a good plan._

More calmly than you'd expect for a person in such a situation, Catherine finishes up in the washroom and removes the protective plastic protecting her leg before setting out to find Sara.

Having seen neither hide nor hair of her upstairs or in the living room, Catherine sets out hobbling carefully down another flight of stairs.

_Damn stupid broken leg...making a simple task like stairs so much more difficult! Damn Sara being so reckless...and being several flights of stairs away from me when I want to yell at you...this is only making me more irritable..._

"Sara! Where are you, we need to talk!"

Not getting a response, worry starts pricking through her body causing her to pick up her pace.

"Sara! Where are you? Are you even down here? This isn't funny, I..."

Whatever threat or insult she was about to throw out stops dead as she spots a splash of brown hair surrounded by half folded towels on the laundry room floor.

"Sara! Wake up! What's going on? What happened?" Catherine hollers while hobbling awkwardly to Sara's prone form.

A soft mumble of discomfort grumbles from under the heap of towels as Sara fights with consciousness and tries to orient herself to what is going on and how she ended up on the floor.

Seeing signs of life return to her love and thinking eminent danger is passing, Catherine grabs Sara's head with both hands and stares into her eyes before continuing her barrage of questions. Fueled by fear, her emotions turn toward annoyance at thinking this episode was self-inflicted and her words carry a sharp harsh tone that didn't properly convey the actual concern she was feeling.

"What the fuck Sara? You nearly gave me a heart attack! What were you thinking? Were you even thinking? I thought we were past all this shit!"

"C-Cath...w-what's going on?" Sara manages to say while still battling heavy eyelids and unfocused eyes.

"Oh, I think you know damn well what's going on! Or at least you will when you sober up! Let me see your arms and legs...how bad is it?" Catherine sternly says while trying to get Sara into a somewhat seated state while balancing in an awkward half crouched position thanks to her broken leg.

"I...ummm...I don't..."

"How much did you take Sara? Why would you do this? I know it's been rough, but remember..."

_She thinks I overdosed? That I did this to myself...God, what really is going on? If I could just get this humming in my ears to go away and get a decent lung full of air in, maybe I could figure out what happened..._

While Catherine continues her stern yet heartfelt plea, a small but uncomfortably nagging cough forces its way through Sara's body. The sharp pain emanating from her lower back seemingly jolted the reality of the situation into scary clarity.

_Oh shit the bullet fragment...there's no way it could have become dangerous that fast could it? The doctor had made it sound like this was a slow process and while serious, wasn't imminently bad. I mean, I just coughed up a little blood no more than an hour ago...it wasn't that bad...I've had worse._

_...Then why am I flat on my ass in the laundry room with Cath leaning over me...telling me off, thinking I got high or overdosed or whatever..._

_She looks so disappointed in me...I've screwed up again..._

A frustrated sigh escapes Catherine as she carefully straightens herself back up into a standing position and leans heavily on her crutch.

"Okay Sara, let's get you upstairs and I'll call Jim. Once we make sure you're okay, we will continue this conversation." Catherine says sternly while looking expectantly at Sara.

_Oh this is just peachy...another chapter in the messed up existence of Sara Sidle...I have got to be the world's biggest screw up! Catherine thinks I did this to myself...I guess I shouldn't blame her._

_Except for the fact that I promised her on Lindsay's memory that I would never let myself get that low again without asking for help. Let's not forget that little incident we had in the living room with the gun. Seeing the hurt and fear on her face...I never want to be the cause of that again; that's why I promised...and yet here we are again. I thought she'd know that I'd stick to my word..._

_I wish I could just tell her that now, but my jaw feels so stiff and heavy...this is more serious than I thought..._

_I really was going to see the doc and take care of it...I can't believe this is happening again. I feel so weak and helpless...and my body isn't listening to my demands. This is the worst feeling in the world...and the worst part is, I've felt like this before and that didn't end so well..._

"Come on Sara, help me get you up. I'm really awkward with this damn leg. Oh Sara, how did we get to this point again?" Catherine sighs, still not understanding the severity of the moment.

The only reply Sara can manage is an incomprehensible groan.

_Yeah, this is really bad...I think I'm going to pass out. My vision is blurred and even my hearing sounds muffled and distorted like things are playing in slow motion. I wish I could tell Cath what's really happening, but I just can't get the words out._

_Come on Cath...Really...if I was going to off myself, would I really overdose then go to the laundry room and start to fold the towels?_

Just as Catherine begins to lean down toward Sara, a violent cough erupts, coursing through Sara's body, leaving a small trail of blood in its wake.

"Oh God Sara! Are you okay? Oh my God, okay...try to take deep breaths, I'm calling an ambulance! Oh God Sara I'm so sorry, please be okay! Just hang in there love!"

_Oh no... I'm going to pass out...shit, shit!_

_I can't breathe! I'm trying to take deep breaths Catherine, but I'm scared! Oh God...why am I so stupid!_

_...Cath...I'm...I'm scared...I can't..._

"...yes I will, but please hurry! I think she's unconscious! Oh God Sara I love you! I love you baby, please don't leave me...not again! I'm so sorry, I love you!"

The last thoughts that run through Sara's mind before she loses the battle with consciousness are that of hurt and humiliation.

_I'm so tired of letting people down; maybe it would be better if I just didn't wake up._


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N:** **Thank you quietmusician for the review. I truly appreciate and enjoy reading what people think. It's still so intimidating posting ideas out there for the world to see…and hearing from living breathing people is just in a whole different category. Let me once again apologize for taking so damn long and also for the fact that this isn't a long chapter. Life and the burdens of my chosen profession are weighing me down, but I plan on allowing my angst to purge itself through writing again. A word of warning, I have re-read 'To Fall Below Adversity' to get back into the proper mindset for this piece so to warn everyone now that soon we are going to delve into mature themes and dark places…so if you like happy stories, insert happy ending here. Some may say I will be eventually going out of character or that this is an AU fic….probably and yeah I guess. I was looking over my old notes for this fic that I had planned way back and even I am a bit surprised…my brain can go into really disturbing places! …I'm not sure what that says about me, but for now I'm going to go with it. I will ask that you not wish death upon me… I won't be surprised if people hate me and/or this story…but sorry…I have to finish what I started. That's assuming of course that there are still people interested in reading this story. Anyways, thank you so much for those of you that are still here and I would love to hear what you think. Thanks again and take care everyone!**

The God forsaken pissed off looking abstract flower paintings are back to haunt me!

I can't help but silently glare at the distorted atrocities lining the much feared surgical waiting room. This is far from the first time our extended family has parked ourselves here in nervous anticipation...and it doesn't get any less terrifying.

Seeing people dressed in scrubs walking back and forth talking to each other casually is pissing me off too. People joking, laughing…while the blood on their shirts is still wet...it cheapens the moment. Although, I probably shouldn't talk...I stare death in the face every day myself and I shoot shit with my co-workers while photographing a scene...damn. From now on, I'll be more respectful while on scene...or maybe I'm just thinking too much. I think Sara and I should take a vacation. When this latest crisis is over, I'm gonna take her away...I wish I had done that before...

How did I manage to take things for granted again...why do we do that? Don't realize what we have until it's taken away from us...why is it human nature to be so damn ignorant? ...oh God...did I blame Sara for passing out? Did I say anything out loud? I can't even remember what happened! What did I do to deserve all this pain?

"Family for Miss Sidle please?"

"That would be us. This is Catherine her partner, and I'm Gil Grissom her supervisor." Grissom says while standing and extending his hand to the tall young doctor.

After being ushered into a small stale smelling room, the extended family is greeted with a long story filled with complicated Latin filled words, worried glances and fear inducing uncertainty. It turns out that Sara had been shown x-ray results shortly after the car accident depicting a bullet fragment that had migrated dangerously within her body and had booked an appointment to have it addressed, that was to be next week. It had been originally this past Tuesday, but Sara had cancelled it...it was the same day Catherine woke up in tremendous pain and spent much of the day on the sofa being tended to by non-other than Sara herself. She was scheduled to go into surgery to remove the fragment...the same fragment that just tore through her body for a second time...how many more times does she have to suffer at the hands of a madman who is now six feet under?

As the doctor continues to weave the tale of Sara's journey through the surgery, I can't help but wonder why she didn't tell me the truth up front. I mean, I know she did it to protect me…that she didn't want me to worry…. but still. Did she think I was that fragile that I could handle my recovery and her health concerns as well? Hell, I did it before. Did she really think she could have pulled it all off by herself without sharing the burden with any of us? It eats at my soul knowing she dealt with all this new turmoil alone. She had to have been scared and in pain…oh, my poor love…and I actually thought her distant behavior was drug or alcohol related…what kind of soul mate am I?

"Here Cath, it's all going to be okay. Did you hear what he just said? Basically they are just closing up now, she's already pulled through the difficult part of the surgery and given the severity of the situation, it couldn't have gone better. Its okay Cath, you don't have to cry, Sara is alive. Thank God you found her right away and they got to her in time." Grissom gently says while passing Catherine a tissue and placing a supportive hand on her back.

_Well first off I didn't even know I was crying because I stopped listening to you two minutes ago…and second, if you only knew how I found her and what I was planning to do to her…please God tell me Sara didn't hear me accuse her….please._

The next couple of hours pass Catherine by without her knowledge as she brewed in her own misery. Unable to even recall how she came to be sitting in the ICU holding Sara's limp warm hand, she allows the all too familiar sounds of the ICU keep her at least somewhat grounded in the real world. Still tugging on the edges of her consciousness, the tormented regions of her mind ridicule and demean her for not picking up on Sara's distress earlier.

Seeing movement in her peripheral vision, Catherine looks though the glass walls of the ICU to see the familiar face of Sara's past and present nurse Elizabeth. With only a slight nod, the young nurse sweeps in the room and gathers the suction equipment necessary to facilitate a more comfortable breathing experience for her heavily sedated patient.

"Elizabeth, have you ever ended up somewhere and not actually be able to remember the exact steps that led you there?" Catherine asks without taking her eyes off Sara's prone body as the long suction catheter disappears then reemerges from her partner's throat.

Clearing the catheter with sterile water, Elizabeth makes a point of setting down the equipment before looking at the tired redhead, forcing her to make eye contact before replying.

"Yeah, every morning I come here. I tell you, there shouldn't be a 4:30am! I get on the train and I guess I'm just on autopilot because I get here okay. I'll be down in the locker room changing into my scrubs and I swear I can only remember waking up. But seriously Cath, I think you should go home and rest. You can trust me to look after Sara here; you need to get some sleep. Remember you are still recovering yourself."

"No! I'm fine! This is exactly where I should be! You can't make me leave! I'm not leaving her! It's my fault she's here in the first place! Besides, are you even qualified to make that assessment? How do you know she's going to be fine? Who do you think you are?" Catherine yells while dropping Sara's hand and jumping to her feet just centimeters from the young nurse's face.

"Catherine. Sit back down please." The nurse calmly says while glancing through the glass wall and shaking her head at her coworker who had risen from her seat at the nursing station.

"No, you can't tell me what to do nurse! God damn hospital workers…who do any of you think you are…you have fun playing God? She's just another body and a paycheck for you guys anyway!" Catherine continues to yell taking a step closer toward the nurse who continues to silently stand her ground.

"Okay Catherine. Sit back down and let it out. Talk to me, I'll help you through this. Get it off your chest now with me…because if anyone else gets involved here, you are going to be escorted out. I know you are frustrated…you have every right to be…but remember where you are. You need to sit down." Elizabeth says unfazed by the attack knowing it's not a personal assault, but rather the end result of too much stress for one person to withstand.

Catherine obediently drops down into her seat before quickly jumping back to her feet and launching herself into the arms of the woman who had become both her and Sara's friend.

"Oh God, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it…I….I…" Catherine begins before becoming overwhelmed by body wracking sobs.

"Shhh, it's okay. Breathe Catherine. Here, sit back down. You are going to be okay." Elizabeth mumbles into Catherine's hair while trying to guide the woman into the chair as her knees buckle and Elizabeth is left supporting much of Catherine's weight.

It is one of the many hazards of the profession; as front line workers, nurses bear much of the brunt of people's suffering and confusion. The challenging aspect is learning to recognize that it is not so much of a personal attack as it is a cry for help that presents as hostility.

As Catherine's desperate sobs begin to die down and the death grip begins to loosen, Elizabeth glances over at her charge and notes Sara's obliviousness to the dire situation. Subtly shaking her head, she can't help but think back to a time when she herself was not aware of the immense suffering that exists every second of every day. She gently rubs the redhead's back and thinks to herself that she is going to need to book another appointment with the Employee Assistance Program's social worker.

Looking down at the broken woman in her arms, Elizabeth pushes enough distance between them that she is able to make contact with swollen red eyes and communicate without saying a word.

It's the part of nursing that no book describes and no teacher dares mention…the emotional burden you choose to carry if you allow yourself to emphasize with your patients; and it is a choice…you can remain objective and detached and still be a competent, skilled nurse. But for Elizabeth she chooses to open her heart and soul to those she cares for…especially these two special women and in doing so, has earned herself time with another professional to alleviate the enormous burden she feels is now crushing down on her shoulders. Blissful ignorance as to the amount of suffering that exists in the world is no longer a convenience for nurses.

The gravelly sound of a man clearing his throat shakes both women from their thoughts as they both look up to see the aged, concerned face of one Jim Brass.

"I'm sorry, do you mind if I come in?" Jim asks while taking in the appearance of two women who both look like they have been to war and back.

"No of course, please sir….everything is okay here. Sara is doing as to be expected…I'll leave you guys for a few minutes. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, and I will be monitoring Sara's vital from the nursing station." Elizabeth says while detaching herself from Catherine, who quickly pulls the caring nurse into one more thankful embrace.

Giving the familiar face a caring hug as well, Jim and Elizabeth trade places and Jim assumes the position of hugging a distraught and tired Catherine Willows.

"Sorry Cath, I came as soon as I could. It is going to be okay love, you know Sara, this is nothing for her….she will be up and harassing staff before you know it. Hell, isn't that SLP lady still here….the one that Sara flipped off? I bet they will be toe to toe before you know it." Jim says trying to bring humor into a humorless situation. It's a position that both participants have had to learn to adapt.

Catherine emits a half laugh, half sob before letting Jim go and reverently kissing Sara on the head, mindful to avoid the obtrusive breathing tube that is suspended above Sara's prone body.

"Thanks Jim...I just don't know anymore, you know? I really can't do this anymore." An overwhelmed Catherine says as Jim pulls a chair up next to his two favorite women.

"Yes you can…and so can Sara. This love story doesn't end here. What is that saying, what doesn't kill you…" Jim begins before he is cut off.

"Don't let Sara hear you say that….she yelled at me last week for using a similar saying….she said something like she didn't believe in these catch all, half-assed sayings we keep telling ourselves…" Catherine explains before trying to catch the sob that erupts from within.

Behind the glass walls, from the nursing station Elizabeth silently wipes a tear trying to escape as she looks on and watches the machine's reading of her patient's vital signs. Making a mental note to tell her loved ones tonight how much she appreciates and loves them, the experienced nurse slips her game face back on and records the necessary information. You never really know what life has in store for you, or when your number will be up; you just have to remind yourself to be thankful for what you have and try to fight the natural tendency to become complacent and lose sight of what is really important in life.

The lights in the hallway dimmer to a more realistic nighttime atmosphere and the only sounds bouncing off the walls are the beeping of machines and the quiet sobs of families in mourning. This is life in the ICU…as normal as it gets.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N:** **Thank you ****so much ****quietmusician for the review. I truly appreciate a****ny and all feedback I get. Once again, I'm sorry for the less than frequent updates...there have been so much going on that I haven't had time to enjoy writing. I have a question though for those of you kind enough to put up with my long wait times. Would you prefer I write up most of the story then post the updates closer together...knowing that it may take longer? Or post them as I have been doing? I really hope I can devote more time to this...I'm trying to balance everything out. Thanks again for reading and sticking with me. Take care everyone!**

The strange disorientating feeling of deja-vu is in full effect. It's almost like going back in time all together; but throwing more complications and stress on top just to keep things a little fresh. Why is it that whenever we seem to be adjusting to the struggles that life produces, a new tragedy has to intrude? It just feels like if we take two steps forward, we then get pushed five steps back?

Even wandering the now too familiar corridors of Desert Palms hospital has become more of a chore thanks to my broken leg and crutches. Inconsiderate assholes cram the hallways and bump into you regardless if you are on crutches, walking with a cane or are even in a wheelchair! In a bloody hospital! Humanity never fails to disappoint.

A week has passed since Sara's most recent surgery to remove the bullet fragment that had unexpectedly and dangerously migrated and all signs are pointing toward a recovery, save one problem; she has yet to wake up.

Sara's physical wounds are healing surprisingly fast; much faster than the last time Sara required life support. Three days ago the medical team had tested and successfully extubated Sara, freeing her of the obstructive breathing device and allowing her to breathe on her own. Other than a couple IV's, oxygen via nasal prongs, a catheter and the oxygen/cardiac monitoring wires, all other scary devices have been successfully weaned away. Now if only she would wake up...

As Catherine manages to hobble onto the unit that sees more of her waking hours than does the building she calls home, she's greeted by the sight of Sara's nurse and several medical interns leaving her room.

Seeing Catherine's questioning and concerned look, Nurse Elizabeth gestures with her hands to wait one moment and gives her the thumbs up, while still instructing the two novice doctors.

Catherine can't stop the cold dread building in her stomach that quickly spreads into whole body quivering. She can just feel that something isn't right...this isn't normal. As she waits for the nurse to finish what she's doing, Catherine awkwardly shifts her weight so that the pressure from the crutches doesn't chafe under her arms and tries to avoid the mystery stain on the floor that she would rather not know the origin of. She finds herself staring intently at her caste as if it would provide the answers she is seeking.

Sara hasn't been responding in any meaningful way...not like before. She hasn't moved around at all, hasn't squeezed hands or flinched when procedures were performed. It really just feels like she's not there...and Catherine doesn't know what to do.

When she had first found Sara and spent that first night in the ICU after the surgery she had been plagued with guilt and regret over how she handled and misunderstood things. Now she can't even wallow in self-pity...she's frozen with fear. Fear that this might be it...she may actually lose her this time. She can't be left here alone...she can't.

Catherine's internal struggle is cut off by the familiar voice and presence of Elizabeth. She was so deep in thought that she hadn't heard the young nurse approach and couldn't suppress the skittish jump that followed.

"Sorry Catherine. Do you mind if we sit and talk for a few minutes before you go in to see Sara? I would like to get you up to date before the interns and resident come to do their rounds and see you."

Without a verbal response Catherine numbly follows Elizabeth into the family room and takes a seat in the uncomfortably stiff chair.

"You already know and can see how fast Sara is healing physically and I know you're concerned at her lack of awareness and response to stimuli; so are we." The nurse gently begins before getting cut off by an anxious Catherine.

"Has her nine lives run out Elizabeth? Am I going to lose her this time?" Catherine asks without pulling any punches. As much as she doesn't want to have her worst fears confirmed, she can't take another breath until the weight of this implication is removed from her chest.

"Sara opened her eyes for a good few hours today, but she wasn't focusing or reacting to anything...her eyes were just slightly jerking back and forth. That does have us concerned...as does her overall unresponsiveness, but we still have to conduct tests. Her body is stabilizing medically otherwise, so we have to try to understand what's going on...why she's not responsive. I know it's beyond difficult, but you can't panic yet Catherine. Please just give us time. I haven't lied or sugar coated things to you before and I won't start now. For the time being, just go be with her and trust that she's getting the best care available."

The young nurse places a calming hand on Catherine's quivering knee before continuing.

"I just wanted to talk to you first and let you know what our game plan is now before you get bombarded by doctors and questions. Lots of people are going to be coming in and out and running tests so we can figure out where we stand...but she is stable, okay...try to focus on that." Elizabeth explains before her name is paged on the intercom, delaying any further questions from Catherine.

Sighing, the young nurse apologizes before running off and Catherine is left to hobble over to Sara's room. As Catherine takes a seat in another uncomfortable chair and holds the warm limp hand of her love, she spots the two interns from earlier walking over to the dictating station across the hall from Sara's room.

Not meaning to intentionally eavesdrop on their conversation, Catherine's ears perk up when she hears Sara's name. Knowing the soon to be doctors had examined Sara with Elizabeth just before she arrived, she moves her chair to the other side of the bed to see if she can hear what their assessment had revealed.

"So wait, is Sidle in a persistent vegetative state because of a traumatic brain injury?"

"No Steve, didn't you pay attention to anything that nurse was saying? Come on man, you're never gonna make it if you don't listen to the nurses assessment. They are our eyes and ears here...they spend the most time with the actual patients. You better get your facts straight before the resident gets here and starts grilling or she's gonna eat you alive!"

"Okay, okay so enlighten me Mr. Perfect. I couldn't help it, that hot nurse was distracting me...I'll get my head back in the game."

"You're an asshole man...stop ogling the nurses! You deserve to be chewed out by the resident doctor. Sidle is post-op from complications of a GSW to the chest last year. At the time of the injury she had hypoxic brain damage and a lower lobe lobectomy. She was lucky to survive."

"Well, it looks like her luck has run out now. I've seen patients present like her with this type of brain damage...she'll end up in a complex continuing care facility with a trach and a g-tube. I saw this young lady a few months back...she was in a persistent vegetative state with a trach and g-tube for 26 years before she finally died from septic shock from a stage four pressure ulcer. Can you imagine being in that kind of limbo state for that long...not dead, but not really alive in any meaningful way. Damn shame for both of them...she was young and hot like this one before the original injury."

"You're a pig Steven! Find a new line of work man...I'm done with this...you're on your own!"

Having heard more than she had probably wanted to from the two men, Catherine wipes away a tear and kisses Sara on the head before slowly pressing the call bell. Suddenly the sterile smell of the hospital starts to overwhelm her and she finds herself undoing a button on her top and pulling it down. The room itself begins to feel like it's closing in on her and Catherine fights the urge to hobble over to the window and stick her head out of it. Though it felt longer, within mere minutes Elizabeth sweeps into the room and glances at Sara and the accompanying monitors, before settling her gaze on a distraught looking Catherine.

"Is everything okay here Catherine?" The young nurse asks tentatively.

"Is she in a persistent vegetative state? Is she going to need a trach and a g-tube? Have you seen that happen before? Where people can stay like this for years and years until they finally waste away and die?" Catherine asks all in one breath before being overtaken by a sob.

"Persistent vegetative state? Whoa, whoa slow down Catherine. Who told you that?"

"Have you seen cases like Sara end up like that? You have haven't you! With the way she's presenting right now...this is it isn't it? You've seen it before!" Catherine continues while standing and starting to pace in front of Elizabeth.

"Catherine stop...sit down. Please don't say things like that in front of Sara okay? Please try to calm down." Elizabeth begins while putting a calming hand on Catherine's shoulder and guiding her back to the chair next to Sara.

"First of all, that was an unfair loaded question. I've seen many horrible things happen to people with varying outcomes. Every person...every case is unique. Think of it from your CSI perspective. Petechial hemorrhaging for example...it can happen from straining too hard on the can while trying to poop...not every time you see it on a body automatically means they were strangled to death right?"

Elizabeth's question is met by silence and a half glare from Catherine.

"Okay not the best example but you get my point. Look, I know it's so much easier said than done, but try to hang in there and wait until we take a CT, MRI and EEG. We need to know what we are dealing with exactly before we start throwing out procedures and such. We didn't even discuss the g-tube option the first time when Sara was on life support. For now we'll keep doing what we did then with TPN and NG for nutrition...nothing permanent."

Without looking up at the nurse, Catherine slowly takes Sara's warm limp hand in both of hers before speaking softly.

"Can you put in her notes though; that she wouldn't want a g-tube or trach...she wouldn't want to slowly waste away to nothing. I'll sign whatever paperwork is necessary, I just couldn't bear if they did that to her. I just don't know what to do or think anymore...I'm sorry."

At hearing the now defeated and detached tone forming with Catherine's words, Elizabeth's nursing instincts snap to high alert as she watches Catherine carefully.

"Don't worry Catherine; there is no rush to fill out those forms yet, we..."

"No, please...I would like this taken care of now Elizabeth. Sara deserves so much more then to slowly fade away and die."

"I know you're scared Catherine and that's perfectly normal...but you'll make the right decisions for Sara when the time comes...just like you did the last time. You'll make sure her wishes are met." Elizabeth says in a forced calm tone, before scribbling down a name and number on a piece of paper and handing it to Catherine.

"I'll make you a deal, I'll go write up the paperwork for you to sign for Sara's advance directives if you promise to go see my EAP councilor Nicole tomorrow afternoon. She's a wonderful woman, I've seen her several times this year and I know she'll be in the office tomorrow. As much as you may not want to, sometimes talking to someone and discussing your fears about these difficult decisions out loud to another human being can really help. It's too much pressure and stress for one person to bear and I know you have a wonderful extended family, but sometimes an outside perspective is needed."

Catherine slowly folds the paper and puts it in her pocket without looking up or acknowledging the deal. Her mind is spinning with worry; so much so that she almost feels like she is moving.

"Please Catherine, Sara needs you...don't give up on her and don't give up on yourself. We will know more about her prognosis after the tests are done."

Looking up at Elizabeth with tear filled eyes; Catherine slowly nods her head and thanks her before returning her gaze to Sara and tucking a stand of hair behind her ear.

Sensing that Catherine would like her privacy now, Elizabeth excuses herself and returns to the nursing station to fulfill her end of the agreement whilst still keeping an eye on Sara's room from a distance.

Finally alone with her love, Catherine leans over the bedrail and whispers in Sara's ear.

"Remember that night last year when I walked into our living room and found you with your gun pointed at your head...do you remember what I told you then? I told you that half my heart died with Lindsay and the final half would die with you."

Catherine pauses and reaches over to the bedside table to grab a tissue to rid her face of that pesky tear before continuing her one-sided conversation.

"I can't live without you Sara...I'm not strong enough to be alone. I can't just sit here and watch your body waste away until it finally catches up to the rest of your spirit and dies. Remember what I promised you before...that we will be together...even in death...I love you so much Sara. We will be together my love, I promise."

Allowing herself to cry freely, Catherine leans over and kisses Sara before resting her forehead gently on Sara's face until her tears subside. For the first time in a long time Catherine feels a calm wash over her. The sterile hospital smell has seemingly dissipated and the walls around her have opened up.

Catherine leans back in her chair and contently watches Sara; trying to memorize her every feature while she sleeps. All the beeping background noise of the ICU begins to fade as Catherine closes her eyes and continues to picture Sara's image in her mind.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N: ****Thank you ****so, so much ****quietmusician**** and ****ssa-rtune**** for the review****s! Sorry it's taking me so long to get these out...but I have a few shorter chapters almost ready that I will post really soon. I have to warn you all that things are about to become darker now...I don't know why my brain has decided to delve into this depressing stuff, but I'm gonna go with it. Please give me a shout and let me know what you think. Thanks so much for sticking with me! Take care everyone!**

Underused muscles sluggishly squirm under crisp white sheets; begging for release. Every tendon testing their pull from muscle to bone in the hope of relieving the overwhelming stiffness that lingers.

As awareness slowly creeps into Sara's mind, she fights against heavy eyelids to assess her current situation. After squinting and blinking several times her vision finally clears and she's able to deduce that she's in a hospital. Now if she can only remember why?

With a strange calmness, she gently flexes and curls her fingers and toes to ensure she has control of all her limbs. She figures she must be on some pretty good medication, because she isn't freaked out at this turn of events...for whatever reason she feels like she's done this before and there is no reason to panic.

Staring up at the panels on the ceiling, she quietly listens to the soft beeping and clicking of machines bounce off the pale green walls.

Wincing slightly after moving her shoulder, Sara raises a shaky hand to her chest where a pulling sensation and dull ache resides. With the pain, the memories of Lindsay and being shot come flooding back and she closes her eyes as the images replay themselves.

"Oh God, my beautiful little girl...oh Catherine...I'm so sorry love! But we'll get through this babe...I'm not going anywhere...we'll get through this together."

Wiping a stray tear from her eye and being mindful to not pull out he IV line attached to her left hand, Sara takes a few calming breaths before figuring out her next move.

_Well, if I'm in a hospital there must be a button for a call bell around here somewhere. If I could get a nurse in here and get her to call Catherine she can explain what's going on. I remember that bastard Todd...I hope they caught his sorry ass...oh God...he better not have touched Cath!_

Feeling her heart rate begin to pick up and the tightness growing in her chest, Sara tries to take a few more calming breaths for fear of causing more damage to her body. Placing her hand back over the bulky dressing that sits under the flimsy hospital gown, she finds she doesn't really want to look down at the damage the bullet had caused and what had to be done to repair it. She vividly remembers the amount of bubbling dark red blood that had poured through her fingers with every agonizing breath and she can't help but be amazed that she had actually survived.

With that thought, she freezes and struggles to grasp onto the memories that are beginning to emerge. She's contemplated that before...how much time has passed? She doesn't even know what day or month it is right now.

Finding the call bell button, Sara presses and holds it down for dear life. She really needs to see Catherine right now...there are far too many blanks in her memory that need to be filled.

"Oh good, look who's awake again! Hi Sara, I'm your nurse Roger. Your timing is perfect, Detective Brass and Mr. Grissom have just arrived. They will be thrilled to see you awake again. How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"

Jumping slightly at the deep voice that appeared suddenly at the door, Sara just shakes her head; afraid to trust her voice. She doesn't want any more drugs in her system despite the fact the burning sensation in her chest is growing to an uncomfortable level. She's finally beginning to break through the fog that her mind is seemingly floating in and she desperately wants to regain full control of her mind and memories.

"Your vital signs still look great; I think we've finally found what was going on. You should start feeling clearer and more coherent soon. Your body still has to adjust and recover from being dormant for so long. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to panic...you're safe here and beginning to recover nicely." Roger continues before stepping back slightly to allow a weary looking Jim and troubled looking Grissom to pass by.

Looking up at the two men as they casually enter, Sara forgets her apprehension of talking and can't help but raise her voice in fear and frustration.

"Wait? ...awake again? What's going on?"

"Hi Sara honey. How are you feeling?" Grissom asks in a weary tone; glancing between Sara and her nurse.

"Where is Catherine? Did you find Todd? How long have I been here?" Sara asks as her calm begins to fade and anxiety takes its place.

A soft sigh escapes Jim's lips as he closes his eyes and tilts his head towards the ceiling; not answering Sara's flurry of questions.

"She still doesn't remember? Is it normal for her to be doing this for two days straight?" Jim asks Roger while Grissom slowly walks over to the bed and places his hand on Sara's arm.

"Hopefully things will start to become clearer for her soon. The doctor's don't believe there has been any more brain damage so her short term memory should improve now that her body is responding to the new medication." Roger replies as Jim looks down at his feet dejected.

Sara glances skittishly between all occupants in the room, beginning to look more and more like a cornered animal ready to make its escape. Frowning as she pulls her arm away from Grissom, Sara can't hide the growing frustration and anger from her voice.

"I'm right here Jim...don't talk to him like I'm not in the room! Answer me...where is Catherine...what is going on?"

Unfazed by Sara's growing anger, Grissom calmly pulls up a seat and resumes his position with his hand on her arm. At least she isn't stuttering and her voice isn't as hoarse or muffled as yesterday.

"It's okay Sara...you've just had a complicated few weeks. What's the last thing you remember?"

Turning his back to their conversation, Jim lowers his voice and addresses the nurse standing beside him.

"I really don't think I can take this much longer...watching her fall apart when we tell her the situation and hold her as she cries herself to sleep... only to repeat the same scene the next time she wakes up and asks the same questions. It's beyond heart breaking."

Having heard Jim, Sara's eyes well up with tears and without words, places a shaky hand up over her mouth.

Grissom's eyes never leave Sara's as he takes her hand and grasps it tightly.

"This is different Jim...she's completely with it now...our Sara is back."

All eyes snap to Sara before Jim slowly walks over to Sara and places a soft kiss on her forehead before taking his seat on the other side of the bed.

Sensing their need for privacy and seeing that his patient's vitals are still within safe boundaries, the young nurse excuses himself as the two men begin to explain the long painful tale.

She thought she had dreamt the car accident, but now hearing Grissom's account of the events, Sara remembers everything that had happened except for one thing.

"Where is Catherine?"

Grissom releases deep breath before continuing; intentionally ignoring Sara's interruptions.

"Sara, you have to understand...everyone was scared... you weren't responding to anyone or anything at all. This was completely different from your previous recovery. After the EEG the doctor suspected that you were experiencing almost constant mini seizures...they called it non convulsive status epilepticus."

Either unable or unwilling to hear what Grissom is trying to explain, Sara's focus is only on one thing.

"Where is Catherine?"

"Catherine was beside herself. She thought that she had lost you...that you were in a persistent vegetative state."

"Where is Catherine?"

Having heard enough, Jim cuts Grissom off as soon as he opens his mouth. Standing up, he leans forward over the bedrail so that he is completely eye level with Sara.

"When you started regaining consciousness after they put you on the new seizure medication, the hospital called me because they couldn't reach Catherine on the phone. I thought maybe she unplugged her phone so she could sleep, so I drove over to her place to tell her the good news in person. But that wasn't the case."

Stopping to take a deep breath and wipe the tears that are begging to form at the still raw memory, Jim continues.

"I found her... unconscious. When she thought she lost you, Catherine attempted suicide."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N: Once again, thank you so, so much quietmusician for the review! As promised, here is another short chapter…I have the next one pretty much completed as well, so I hope to have that up soon. I'm getting back into the groove and mindset of this story, so I really hope I can finally get this done soon. I've honestly lost interest with the show, so if I didn't already have ideas for this story planned out I probably wouldn't have the motivation to keep going. It was an excellent show and had a pretty good run. Thanks again for sticking with me and please feel free to let me know what you think. Take care everyone!**

Dead silence fills the room as all occupants seemingly hold their breath. Sara is completely speechless. Her mind desperately tries to process the implications of the words just spoken. It just can't be true.

Jim shakes his head slightly as if his physical actions will shake away the haunting images he saw that day.

"They think I had got to her quickly though...that she must have taken the pills shortly before I arrived."

He doesn't want to consider what would have happened if he hadn't decided to let himself in to check on her. Catherine had given him a key when Sara was discharged a year ago and he held onto it ever since.

"They were able to pump her stomach right away in the ER and were able to stabilize her. She's alive Sara, but still in the ICU."

Sara allows the words to set in and focuses on the fact that Catherine is alive before she trusts her voice to speak. It still doesn't make sense.

"But, but...I don't get it. Cath would never try to kill herself. She doesn't think that way...hell; I'm the idiot who thinks that way in this relationship, not Cath...She's the strong one."

Her mind instantly flashes back to that dark day when she sat in the living room with a gun to her head, ready to end her life...and Catherine's loving words and strong conviction that they would survive together.

"Sara sweetheart, you're not getting the whole picture...you don't understand...Cath wasn't thinking honey...she wasn't...she was pretty much told she was going to lose you..." Gil begins to explain before he's cut off by an increasingly panic stricken Sara.

"Been there done that in our wonderfully crazy relationship...and she didn't try to off herself then! What are you two not telling me? What the fuck is going on? This can't be happening! I remember being shot...the long painful recovery...the damn car accident...the freaking bullet fragment moving around in my chest...is that not enough? Catherine wouldn't to this to me...to us...not after everything we've gone through. You're lying! You fucking assholes have to be lying! This is not happening!"

Grissom was right; their Sara is back...she has fully woken up this time. The other times she had regained consciousness and they had told her where Catherine was, she would freak out and cry before succumbing to the drug induced haze and sob herself to sleep. This is different though, the famous Sidle fire was back in her eyes. Both men took no offense to the profanity thrown their way. Although they would never admit nor condone it, they were glad to see her angered determination back.

Standing now himself, Grissom points a stern finger at Sara before addressing Jim.

"Sara stop! Jim can you ask a nurse if we can get a wheelchair to take Sara to see Catherine...even if it's just from the window...whatever they will allow. We're only making Sara more upset here...I'll justify ourselves to the Doctors and nurses later."

Although this is the first time Sara has properly woken up since the surgery, she has been medically stable for days. Once they found and treated the cause for her apparent vegetative state, the only medical intervention she required was an IV for hydration. He was confident they would allow her a quick trip in a wheelchair...especially if they knew what a stubborn pain she can be when she is denied something she knows she is capable of doing. It would be more taxing on her health to not let her see that Catherine is alive with her own two eyes. They are in the same hospital after all...a hallway and a short turn to the left is all that actually separates the two women.

Sara sits still in an eerie silence trying to absorb yet another tragedy in her life until an older nurse walks in with a wheelchair with Jim following obediently behind. Seeing the chair seemingly opens the flood gates as she now truly understands that the situation is indeed real and all Sara can manage is a heart wrenching sob. She's still confused as sin, but all she knows for sure is that things are bad...really bad. This is a whole new level of bad that she didn't even think was possible...and this is far from her first tragedy.

Perhaps as a means of protecting itself, Sara's mind wishes and ponders whether this is all part of an elaborate drug induced illusion. Although deep down she knows this isn't true, she can't help but hope she will just wake up and find herself snuggled on the sofa with her two favorite girls watching a movie. She remembers the last time they had a movie night and how she fell asleep half way through Star Wars. If she only knew then that that would be the last time they would all be together as a family...she would have spent the time memorizing their every feature...holding them a little tighter...enjoying every second.

If only...

Glancing between the wheelchair and Sara's frozen, still confused expression welling up with tears; Grissom can feel his stomach drop down to his toes. Unsure what he should actually be doing, he himself appears frozen in time and his voice rendered useless thanks to the growing lump that now occupies his throat.

Taking over the situation for his two lost friends, Jim places a gentle hand on Gil's shoulder before helping the nurse prepare to get Sara in the chair.

The short trip down the hall is uneventful as the nurse awkwardly tries to break the tension surrounding the devastated group by explaining what they are going to see and how the situation is actually much better than it may appear. Although Catherine is hooked up to a ventilator, they are fully confident she will recover with no physical limitations. The doctors had decided to heavily sedate her to allow her body to heal as she had been beyond worn down and stressed prior to the suicide attempt and therefore to protect her airway they intubated her. As soon as the drugs are weaned from her system, she will be breathing on her own again.

Finally able to see Catherine and feel her with own hands, the full weight of the situation weighs heavy on Sara's soul. Her concept of time is still shot and she struggles to comprehend how eleven days have passed since her surgery without her knowledge. All she had wanted to do was help Catherine recover from her broken leg and shower her with love and attention...how had it all gone wrong...again...

All occupants of the room are silent; lost in their own world of pain and regret. Could all of this been prevented? It seems a lifetime ago when their biggest worry was whose turn it was to buy coffee or the tedious day in day out strain of shift work. What they once considered mundane or worrisome now seems like paradise.

Sara finds solace only in the fact that Catherine looks peaceful...that she doesn't appear to be in any distress or pain. She tries desperately to envision Catherine and Lindsay in happier times; before they knew that Todd Dorball even existed. Before kidnapping, murder, loss of trust, accidents or suicide were even on their radar. Before life as she knew it ended and her once seemly perfect existence that had taken years to establish, was ripped away in an instant without a moment's notice.

Lost in memories, Sara can't help but question what she had done to deserve such pain...how this could have happened to her and the ones she held dear. It is a feeling of absolute panic...a paralyzing fear. Gently rubbing her fingers over Catherine's knuckles she finds herself dumbstruck realizing that once again her life will never be the same; there is no going back...there is only pain.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N: Hello all, here is another one for you. I'm finally getting a little more time to write, so I'm going to take advantage and see how much I can get done. I'm sorry this has taken so long…I really hope I'll be able to complete this story soon. Thanks again for sticking with me as always…and if you can spare me a second, please let me know what you think. Take care everyone!**

Despite her many protests, Sara was forced to spend two whole days in what was in her opinion, a pointless step down unit before being discharged home. It wasn't like she had to attend any rehab like before...what she thought was a huge gaping wound on her chest from being shot, was actually a small precise incision they had used to extract the fragment. The worst part of everything was they wouldn't let her see Catherine...even after several very heated...kinda ugly protests. She's convinced it was a form of punishment or torture... and said as much to Jim and Gil.

Poor Jim and Gil. They had to endure the brunt of her fear and frustration. The whole team had once again bonded together to help Sara through this new devastation that threatened their extended family. Not only does she get frequent updates on Catherine's condition from the guys, but the nursing staff also keeps Sara informed as well. The nursing team has voiced their displeasure that Sara and Catherine are being kept apart; especially since Catherine had been weaned off the ventilator and although not fully coherent, is awake and doing well.

The only people that seemed to genuinely care for her wellbeing were the guys and the nurses. She doesn't know why, but the social workers and psychiatrists seemed to despise her.

While they held her there, several people had come in and grilled her about Catherine's mental status and their home life. As both Sara and Catherine are each other's power of attorney for medical decision making, Sara had been asked questions from the various interdisciplinary team members while Catherine had been unconscious.

Joanne Smith is a heavy set, middle aged woman who had been one of the main social workers in this department for far too long. She has been overworked for years and has reached her breaking point with depressing cases. The amount of pain and suffering that unsuspecting people face every day is now weighing heavy on her soul. Yesterday's case involved abusive neglect of a baby and Joanne can't help but feel disgusted with humanity. Now she has had to read Catherine and Sara's long painful history and she thinks she is just going to explode from pure frustration.

Storming into Sara's room, Joanne tosses the large file onto the bedside table in front of a bewildered Sara, who had just been quietly sitting and reading the latest forensics magazine Greg had brought her. Without pleasantries or formal introductions, Joanne coldly tells Sara that Catherine is going to be placed in a mandatory rehab program as soon as she is cleared medically.

Not allowing Sara to respond to this revelation, Joanne continues in a cold detached tone.

"So I read here that you suffer from brain damage following an accident last year...have you been deemed mentally competent?"

Physically flinching at the harsh words, Sara adjusts herself in her seat to sit up straight before addressing the unwelcome visitor.

"I'm sorry, and you are...?"

Without looking up or taking a breath to pause, the irate woman continues her verbal assault.

"Joanne from social work. So did you always display attention-seeking, victim syndrome traits with Catherine before, or did this start after the death of her only child?"

"...w-wait...w-what...?"

"I see. The doctors did mention in their notes from when Catherine was injured in the car accident that they thought given your brain damage, you weren't capable to look after Catherine alone...perhaps not even capable to look after yourself unsupervised...that Catherine was your primary caregiver."

Finally looking up at Sara and her devastated expression, Joanne mercilessly pushes the knife deeper into Sara's soul.

"I'm sorry, am I speaking too fast for you? I see that you stopped going to your SLP sessions...I should have waited for your friends to be present so they could explain all of this to you slowly. I don't have time for this. This is why we have forbid you from seeing Catherine until after she's fully recovered...probably should have done that long before...maybe then she wouldn't have tried to escape through suicide."

Feeling her heart jump into her throat and her soul crumbling within her, Sara forces herself to retain a calm exterior. She is not going to give this woman the satisfaction of seeing her break down. Without making eye contact, Sara picks at her nails and wills the nervous stutter she feels building up not to surface.

"W-was there a question in t-there s-somewhere?"

"You know what, there is no point. But you should know that Catherine is finally going to receive the proper focus and attention that she deserves. After the program is completed, it will be up to her if she wants to involve you in her life again. You may not contact her in any way until she is released from the program...is that understood Miss Sidle?"

"Y-yes."

"Then we are done here."

As abruptly as she had entered, she had left; leaving a shocked and devastated Sara in her wake.

She had thought trying to read would help distract her from her feelings of hopeless and despair, but that was long gone now. Throwing the magazine on the table next to her, Sara gets up from her seat and begins to pace in the small room.

An overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia begins to envelop her and she fights the urge to run out of the room and out of the hospital completely. She had just essentially been told that Catherine's suicide attempt had been her fault...that she had sucked the life out of her love...that she was damaged beyond repair. The worst part of it all was that Sara wasn't sure that all of that was far from the mark. Maybe this all was her fault.

The rest of the night sleep eluded Sara as she replayed all of the possible scenarios in her head...starting with the shooting in the warehouse, to Catherine's attempting to take her own life. Sara always had a self-depreciating view of herself, but now without Catherine's positive influence, herself destructive nature had free reign of her psyche.

When the doctor enters followed by a nurse to discharge her from the hospital, Sara doesn't bother to ask questions or inquire any further into what the social worker had discussed with her last night...she just doesn't see the point...she now believes what the harsh woman had said was indeed justified and true. Quickly signing all the paperwork for her discharge Sara is given a pamphlet on her new seizure medications and regiments before being guided down to the hospital's cafeteria to wait for Jim to pick her up. While she silently stews in her own misery, a gentle tap on her shoulder nearly sends her flying off her chair.

The concerned nurse she now considers friend wordlessly pulls up a seat next to her and despite the fact she isn't in the mood to talk, she can't deny Elizabeth a polite hello. Since word travels fast in the hospital, Elizabeth had already heard about the turmoil Catherine and Sara were facing and heard grumblings from the nursing staff regarding the negative way Sara was being treated by the majority of the interdisciplinary team. Although she didn't know what exactly had been said to Sara by the social worker, she knew enough to feel uneasy about Sara's emotional wellbeing.

Elizabeth tries to offer support and guidance to the distraught woman, but she really doesn't think Sara is taking in any of the information. The defeated demeanor Sara is exuding both scares and angers the young nurse. She will definitely have to talk with Mr. Brass and about her concerns. After everything both Catherine and Sara have already endured, this downward spiral brought on by the insensitivity of others is the last thing they need. Elizabeth has seen the type of damage that can be done when a person's emotional stability is demeaned by a heath care professional abusing their power, and she will damned if Sara will be brought down by this.

As much as she doesn't want to cross any boundaries or step on any toes...if what her fellow nurses said is true...she will have someone's head on a platter for this. The love Catherine and Sara have for each other is a rare gem that you only ever see in the movies...not allowing them to be together because of a stupid policy is absurd. Being together through the healing process is more beneficial for them than any group therapy could ever be. Yes, a rehabilitation program and counseling with professionals is needed, but don't isolate them from each other... if these people took the time to read into their long history they would see that in this case having the family present during the sessions would help, not hinder.

As Jim arrives to get Sara, Elizabeth manages to have a quick word with him and hand him her phone number so they can get in touch. Elizabeth gives Sara a long tight hug before departing and they both promise to have coffee and chat soon.

Despite the fact that all the guys collectively and individually begged and pleaded with Sara to be allowed to spend the night with her at her house, Sara wants to spend her first night home alone. After being in a hospital where proper privacy is just not a reality, the guys have to concede defeat. But not after bargaining that Nick will stop by in the morning with coffee and breakfast.

At the hospital, Catherine arrives on the new unit where her mandatory rehabilitation program is going to take place. She has been told about what happened and while she's elated that Sara is alive and well, she feels beyond stupid and ashamed. She knows now that she should have waited longer to see what Sara's test results would have said regarding her prognosis...and that Sara was just too Damn stubborn to die just yet...but the problem was, she just wasn't thinking at that point. All she wants to do now is to be able to see and hold Sara...and beg for forgiveness for putting this undue stress on the woman she loves. She knows that Sara must be out of her mind with worry and anxiety right now. They are both so protective of each other that they have the tendency to put the other woman's needs before their own...which is kinda what landed her in this mess.

Frowning at the predicament she now finds herself in, she wonders if she can at least call Sara...at least to just hear her voice for a minute. The stupid program coordinator told her that its policy not to be allowed to see anyone from outside the program until it is completed. She could understand that in some circumstances that would be beneficial, but not for her...not now...why did she have to take those damn pills! She wonders how Sara took the news about not being able to see each other. She hopes to God that Sara doesn't think she's crazy...that she would never have tried to kill herself if she had known...she would never willingly leave Sara alone. Not after everything they have gone through together.

Catherine sighs and runs a shaky hand through her hair before looking up at the therapist that seemingly materialized in her door frame and plasters a fake happy smile on her face.

...this is going to be a long few weeks...


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N: ****Thank you ****for the review Rach5 . I apologize if these last few chapters haven't been up to par. I know I am straying from realism a little bit...and probably will a little more...I'm sorry if its distracting, but for some reason its where my mind wants to go with this. I'm going to have to ask you suspend your disbelief a little bit...I know there are procedures in place to protect the public from this type of abuse from the healthcare system...and personally I have worked with some really good social workers among other professionals...and a few who have burned out from the horrors we see every day, so in no way do I mean to demean or insult any profession. I'm not sure where this came from...but I'm delving into some dark themes now that were difficult to get into. Sorry if the believability has diminished. Thanks again for sticking with me and please continue to let me know what you think and if there is something I can do to make it better. Take care everyone!**

At long last, Catherine's stint in rehab is completed. She is five minutes away from being sprung, and she couldn't be happier. While the time there had been beneficial and delving into all the loss and pain Catherine has endured over the past year was long overdue for professional attention; the best therapy Catherine could receive is having Sara back in her arms again.

She has even booked both herself and Sara several follow up sessions for upcoming weeks. There is so much healing they still need to do together...after everything they have experienced, Catherine is actually quite proud they have made it this far. Losing a child is one of the worst things a couple could have to endure...add all of the other drama and its actually remarkable they have still held on this well...recent suicide attempt notwithstanding.

Catherine stands in front of the mirror and takes in her appearance for the third time before checking her bags to make sure she has all of her belongings in place. She is dying to be able to see Sara again and to apologize for putting her through this. She just hopes to God Sara isn't disappointed in her. Despite everything, she's cautiously optimistic that they are going to grow from this experience. She's excited to share with Sara some of the tips she's learned on ways to help distress and communicate better.

A soft knock on the door interrupts her thoughts and she smiles in anticipation of finally seeing her love again in person.

One by one the team files into the room and take turns hugging and kissing Catherine. While they all comment on how good Catherine looks, she can't help but notice the same can't really be said for them...and the thought alone sends a wave of guilt coursing through her body that she was probably the cause of that. They all look like they've aged and poor Jim is sporting a shaggy untrimmed beard.

Fear and disappointment floods through Catherine as the one person she wanted to see the most is nowhere to be seen. She swallows down the growing lump in her throat as she takes in the defeated appearance of her friends.

The guys all share a nervous glance at each other and Catherine feels the knot in her stomach tighten. She knows something is wrong and can sense that even the guys don't know how to break it to her.

Unable to take the awkward silence any longer, Catherine voices what they are all afraid to address.

"Where is Sara? Please just tell me she's okay!"

"I think you should sit down Catherine. This is not going to be easy to hear. We are so sorry we couldn't tell you this sooner...we really didn't have a choice." Grissom finally says before taking a deep breath to prepare himself. He spares a quick glance at Jim who just looks utterly devastated. Suddenly he thinks they all need to sit down for this.

"We actually don't know where Sara is Catherine. It's a long and complicated story. The rehab team here have offered to let you stay here for another few weeks if you'd like...because this is the last thing you need right now...they said you were doing so well here and that..."

"What do you mean you don't know? How could you not know? What do you mean, she ran away? Are you kidding me?"

"Please Catherine, let me finish...this isn't easy...I know how upsetting..."

"You know nothing! I've been locked up in here for two months isolated from everyone I love...wishing every moment just to be home again in Sara's arms and now you tell me she's gone? Did she know today I was coming home? Is that why she left?"

"Please sit back down Cath." Grissom says while slowly closing the door. He can already see the staff in the hall looking in to figure out what all the commotion is about and he knows they are the last thing Catherine needs right now. If they are going to get her through this, the team is going to have to band together like never before.

Catherine glares at each member of the team and is frightened to see that Jim hasn't taken his eyes off the floor since he came in the room.

"Jim..."

"I'm so sorry Catherine...I wanted to tell you right away but was told it was against policy. You had a right to know...I'm so sorry."

"Jim, please look at me...please tell me this is going to be okay."

Out of the corner of her eye she can see Greg nervously picking at his fingers while both Nick and Warrick clench their jaws and grind their teeth in anger.

The strangest sensation washes over her, as if she's almost watching the scene play out in front of her detached from her body; and she numbly wonders if she's about to pass out. I guess this is why Grissom was insisting that she sit down.

Seeing that Jim is unable to answer at the moment, Grissom once again takes over the role of being the bearer of bad news.

"Catherine, we haven't seen Sara since the day she was discharged and you entered the program. She was supposed to have breakfast with Nick the following morning, but when he went over to your place she was gone. We have had all of Vegas looking for her this whole time but nothing has shown up. She hasn't used her credit cards and we have been monitoring your bank accounts..."

Agitatedly adjusting himself in his seat, Warrick leans forward before addressing the group.

"Sara knows how to cover her tracks...she knows we are looking for her and she doesn't want to be found. If this damn place hasn't treated her like shit, none of this would have happened!"

"Warrick please..."

"No Gil...please just someone just fill me in for God sake!" Catherine practically shouts unable to take the pressure any longer. She feels disorientated from being isolated from the outside world for so long. It's almost too much to even comprehend.

"It seems as though someone in the allied health team blamed Sara for everything that happened to you. Elizabeth came to us and told us that the social worker, among others, had shaken her up pretty badly...but before we could investigate, she was gone."

"She's not dead if that's what you're thinking. I know she's not dead...I can feel it..."

"No Catherine, we don't think she's dead. We are looking into her bank account and noticed it was slightly going down. We think she withdrew money somewhere just outside Vegas." Grissom continues in a low, calm voice. He can feel his heart pounding in his ears, but for everyone's sake is trying to keep the facade of cool control.

"Then why are we all still here then? Let's find out where she is and go get her!" Catherine says while jumping back to her feet.

"It looks like she's probably outside of Nevada...I'm going to get a hold of the local PD in Arizona to see if they know anything. This is the best lead we've had in weeks." Jim's hoarse, tired voice startles Catherine and she slowly walks over to him and places a sift kiss on his cheek before wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here Cath? I'm not trying to be condescending, but after everything you've gone through..."

"Grissom...guys...I'm so sorry I did all of this to you, but I promise you I'm not going to break. What I did was beyond stupid and I'm so ashamed. I don't know what I was thinking...but it will never, ever happen again. No matter what happens. I'm stronger than that...I just faltered under all the strain...but trust me, I've learned from my mistakes. I'm going to keep up with proper counseling and I'll take Sara with me. We are going to get through this...all of us...I love you all so much and I'm so grateful to have you all in my life."

Catherine looks at each team member and gives Jim's arm a reassuring squeeze before wiping at her eyes and clearing her throat in the hopes of ridding her voice of the emotional quiver.

"Now, if we are finished with all of this emotional sappy stuff...can we please go get my girl back now?" Catherine tries to lightly joke to cover up the fact that she's scared out of her mind and just wants to cry.

"Then let's go." Nick says while getting up and opening the door.

While the guys head back to the office to make some calls, Brass drives Catherine to her house. The drive is made in relative silence as Catherine takes in Jim's disheveled appearance. The bond Jim and Sara share has always been special...almost to the point of making her jealous...but now she actually fears for the other man's health. She knows Sara would never want to hurt them intentionally, but her leaving the way she did has almost destroyed Jim completely. They will all need some serious counseling when all of this is over.

As soon as they get in the door, Jim's phone rings and he quickly walks over to the dining room table and grabs a pen.

Catherine throws her bags on the floor and gazes at the house she hasn't seen in so long. Someone had stayed here recently and cleaned up for her. Neither she nor Sara had ever kept things this neat...despite their best efforts...

Her thoughts are cut short by the sound of Jim closing his phone and taking a deep shaky breath. Biting her lower lip, she stares wide eyed at his concerned expression.

"That was Gil...I think we know where she is. It looks like she was arrested last month on drug charges...she tried to buy from an undercover cop in Arizona and they kept her a couple days before letting her go. Grissom said they think she's homeless in a known tweaker area...I have a couple addresses here...I'm sorry Catherine..." Jim trails off breaking eye contact and resuming his downward gaze.

"Oh Sara..."

Neither Jim nor Catherine can fight the tears that spring to their eyes at the implications of what they will probably find.

After talking to the guys once more, they had all agreed that Jim and Catherine should head to Arizona right away to see if what the local police had suggested was true. As much as she wishes it wasn't true, she knows that Sara has struggled with her demons in the past and used less than healthy means to relieve the pain. Words can't even begin to express the amount of turmoil Catherine's mind is creating while contemplating those implications.

While Jim drives, Catherine opens her purse to look for a pain killer to relieve the growing tension headache forming behind her eyes. In her rush to leave the house and find Sara, she had practically dumped the entire contents of her kitchen drawer into her purse; making the search for the elusive painkiller that much more irritating.

Sighing in frustration, she turns to Jim whose eyes she feels burning into the side of her head and asks if he has any Advil or Tylenol.

"It's just for a headache by the way..."

"Catherine..."

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to snap...and that was in poor taste...I heard that you were the one...oh Jim, I'm so sorry!"

Reaching into the giant mess of a purse to now find a tissue, Catherine's hand finds a carefully folded piece of paper with Sara's signature chicken scratch writing on the front.

Wiping the stay tear with her finger and placing her hand briefly on Jim's arm, her attention is now focused on the mysterious letter.

"_My dearest Catherine, if you are reading this you must have completed your rehabilitation program; congratulations I'm so proud of you! Words cannot describe how much I love you and I can only hope that one day you can forgive me for everything I've done to hurt you. Never, ever was it my intention to out you through all this pain...please believe me. I know it's my fault that you tried to end your life, and that knowledge will haunt me until the day I finally die...and probably beyond. Please don't try to find me...I can't continue to destroy your life the way I have...I only drag you down...so I have decided to leave Vegas so I can remove this burden from you. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I promised you and swore on Lindsay's memory long ago that I would never try to kill myself again...and I'm not breaking that promise...but I have to go...and you have to move on...I'm affectively dead to you...it's the only way. You have saved my life Catherine...I would be nothing without you...so please allow me to return the favor now..."_

Her vision now blurred with tears, Catherine puts down the letter and looks at Jim in utter despair.

"Sara wrote me a good bye letter Jim! It's probably been sitting in our kitchen drawer since the day she left! She left because she thinks everything is her fault! What did those bastards say to her? It's three pages long...full of apologies...I can't believe this!"

Angrily wiping more tears away, she glances back at the paper and continues to read the long passionate letter from her distraught love.

"We have to find her Jim! This is really bad! My poor Sara! What did they do to you?"

"We are bringing her home Cath...I'm not going back to Vegas without her! No matter what it takes. I'm not going to let her down again!"

Catherine looks at Jim's death grip on the steering wheel and can see him clenching his jaw in anger. She spares the letter one last look before carefully folding it back and placing it in her purse.

"Jim, if there is one thing I can take away from these last two months is that we can't blame ourselves for the actions of others. Sara knows how much we all love her...you couldn't let her down if you tried. She loves you like a father and would die for you...just like I know she would for me. Life is just cruel...and none of this is fair. We have all suffered so, so much...there is no proper answer to any of this pain. But we have to keep going...and keep loving each other. Whatever we find...just hold on to that love...we have to get each other through this...we just have to..."

As they pull up to a red light, Jim wordlessly leans over and places a soft kiss on Catherine's forehead. The short remainder of the car ride is made in respective silence until they pull into a dark alley way in front of what looks like an abandoned, dilapidated house.

"You have your gun...just in case?"

Looking down at the spot that once held her gun; she shakes her head as Jim unstraps his spare and hands it to her.

"Don't worry, I don't think it will come to that...but just stick it in that back of your pants...I'm not taking any chances."

They slowly enter the beaten down building and are met by a nauseating stench. Trying to breathe through her mouth, she passes people lying on dirty old mattresses covered in substances she doesn't even want to think about. She feels her heart tighten and fear begin to flood her senses at the conditions these lost souls are living under. As much as she wants to find Sara, she hopes to God it's not in a place like this.

She looks up and is startled to realize that Jim is no longer in front of her. She's about to call out to him just as he hears his voice to her right.

"Sara! Oh God...Catherine!"

Whipping her head to the side, her vision strangely seems to process the images as if in slow motion. She sees Jim on his knees with his hand on someone's neck. Passed out on a dirty broken mattress she sees dull unkempt brown hair surrounding a sunken in emaciated face.

"Sara...no..."

Catherine drops to her knees next to Jim and places her shaky hands on either side of Sara's face, desperately trying to get her attention. While her eyes flutter and roll back in a drug induced haze, Catherine isn't convinced that Sara is even aware of their presence.

"Baby, look at me...its Catherine. Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry!"

Getting no response from the younger woman, Catherine looks to Jim before turning back to the broken body in front of her.

There are old and fresh track marks up and down her grotesquely skinny arms as well as a dirty gauze bandage on her lower left arm. Under her right eye sits a rather disturbing scar that Catherine isn't sure she wants to know the origin of. Her eyes are so dull and sunken into her skull that Catherine can hardly recognize her love in this broken shell.

As tears run down her face Catherine leans in closer, not even aware of the filthy dangerous environment she's sitting in and whispers apologies to her soul mate.

"Cath, we have to get her out of here now. I'll carry her; you just keep your eye out and start the car." Jim says before looking back down at Sara with tears filling his own eyes. "God Sara...what happened to you? You were always skinny, but now you have to be less than 90 pounds...this is not good sweetheart! But everything is going to be okay now...we've got you honey."

"Okay Sara, let Jim help you, he's gonna pick you up, then we'll get you cleaned up in a nice hotel for tonight okay love?" Catherine addresses Sara while grabbing her face again. Sara has had issues with being grabbed by men in the past...her fight or flight instinct has always been on high alert...and in this confused state she may not recognize who they are. When Jim goes to hold her, the last thing they need is a confused kicking and screaming Sara Sidle in this less than pleasant environment.

To her surprise, she's greeted with a lazy lop sided grin from her heavily drugged love. If she wasn't leaning so close to Sara, she wouldn't have heard the soft slurred words that followed.

"I hope you're doing well babe...I miss you Catherine and love you so, so much."

Looking over to Jim, before glancing back at Sara, Catherine realizes that Sara probably doesn't even know where she is right now and thinks what she is seeing is part of a hallucination.

Sara's glazed eyes well up before a lone tear rolls down her dirty cheek leaving a pale streak in its wake. Her eyes continue to droop and flutter before rolling back into her head.

Taking this as an indication that she isn't going to fight them, Jim gently picks her up and they carefully head out of what must have been Sara's self-imposed hell.

Catherine's heart is pounding so hard and so fast that she's sure it has just split into two. Her whole body is shaking so violently that she's grateful the other occupants in the room are also so far gone that they are not perplexed with their intrusion...because in this state, she can't even see straight, let alone be able to shoot straight.

Looking around one last time at the disgusting abandoned building, Catherine remembers the last time she knelt down on a dirty, dingy floor...holding the body of her beautiful daughter. As she follows Jim out the door she can feel her knees going weak and the air leaving her lungs. Oh God, how she misses her baby girl...

But Sara is still alive...she hasn't lost her yet. She's not going to lose her the way she lost Lindsay. She can't give up now...she has got to keep fighting...they both have to keep fighting because they are going to get through this.

Her wobbly legs somehow make it to the car and she carefully helps open the door and gently lays Sara in the back seat before jumping in herself. Words cannot express the fear and sorrow both Jim and Catherine feel at the moment. As glad as they are to have found her, not even they were prepared for the sights they just witnessed. As Jim starts the car and Catherine carefully places Sara's head on her lap, the two shaken friends silently shoot up a prayer for help and guidance.

Both reminded of Lindsay from the desolate environment they found Sara, Jim also remembers when Sara called her name as she lay bleeding to death after being shot. He firmly believes that Lindsay was there that day guiding and comforting Sara in her moment if need.

Looking in the rear view mirror at the two broken women in the back, Jim hopes and prays that she will be there for them all now. They are going to need their special angel now more than ever.

**A/N the second: Sorry guys...I think I need to go back and re-read the first story again to see if I can bring back the overall feelings from before. I wonder if my wanting to get this completed is rushing me into becoming complacent...sorry if I'm letting those of you who have decided to follow this down. I think I need to step back and see what I can salvage. Any and all advice is welcome...and I apologize in advance if there is a delay with the next chapter. Thanks again for putting up with me...I'll try to make it worth it.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N: ****Hello all! Thank you so so much Candi and Rach5 for the reviews! Sorry this took so long...I'm still struggling to get this the way I had originally planned. I'm honestly not satisfied with the overall flow of this story...I fear I just took too long getting this out and have lost the vibe from my first story. For those of you kind enough to still follow this, thank you so much and I'm sorry if you are disappointed. Take care everyone! **

For several minutes Catherine finds herself sitting on the edge of the hotel bed silently watching Sara sleep, lost in worry and regret. She carefully shifts her weight into a more comfortable position while trying not to shake the bed and awaken the younger woman. After much discussion, Catherine and Jim decided it would be best to stop off for the night in a hotel just inside Vegas and make arrangements for Sara to go to the hospital in the morning.

Despite her best efforts to appear calm and in control, Catherine is absolutely terrified. There are so many unknowns and so much that could be wrong. Top on her list of worries is the epilepsy. She is certain that Sara didn't happen to take a two month supply of her medications with her on her self-imposed exile and she wonders how many seizures she most have suffered alone. God only knows what drugs she has been taking...and how they combine with preexisting epilepsy...

Watching the shallow, uneven rise and fall of Sara's chest, Catherine can't fight the growing unease she feels building in her stomach. Sara's obviously using IV drugs...she could have contracted something...her poor lost love...she could have anything at this point.

Feeling the fear for her love overwhelm her, Catherine slowly inches her way closer to Sara before gently laying down beside her, placing a protective arm around the younger woman's shoulders. Holding her while she sleeps in her drug induced haze; Catherine's eyes fill up with tears at the sight of her love. The woman in front of her is a shell of the person she used to be. Even when she was in a coma she looked more alive and well compared to what she looks like now. And the truly scary part is, that wasn't even very long ago. She's just happy they found her when they did...because given the state she's in, Catherine feels she wouldn't have survived much longer. As it is, she knows there is going to be a long road to recovery ahead of them...again.

She knew that Sara had a history of drug abuse and cutting in the past as a means to help numb the pain of her tortured soul and she feels she should have known her love would react like this. Hell, she had seen bits and pieces of her self destructive ways last year...although this is much, much worse. But they had overcome it together...which should have happened this time as well. That is, if anyone had told her what was really going on...that the so called professionals had accused, belittled, and blamed Sara for their struggles as a family.

Catherine loosens her grip on Sara's shoulder slightly and shakes her own head slightly to release the growing tension. She can feel her own heart rate begin to pick up its pace in anger that the stupid system did this to Sara...blaming her for Catherine's own mistake. Why did she have to take those damn pills?...

A sudden stirring next to her breaks her train of thoughts and she gently rubs Sara's upper arm to see if she will go back to sleep.

Mumbled grunts of displeasure tell her that she's not.

"N-no touching allowed...g-get off me!"

_I swear to God...if one more person tries to cop a feel, I'm going to tear off whatever part of them is touching me and shove it where the sun don't shine! Isn't there any honour among thieves? ...like come on guys...can't a girl drug herself into oblivion in peace now a days?_

Even in her semi conscious state, Sara's brow furrows into an annoyed frown as she turns her upper body away from the offending person, curling herself into a ball while bringing her arms up to cover her head.

Afraid to irritate her and unsure of how much awareness Sara has of the situation, Catherine quickly complies and gets off the bed and scurries to the corner of the room observing her confused love.

Feeling the presence gone, Sara sluggishly rolls onto her back before looking around with droopy, swollen eyes to see if her bra and underwear have been touched.

_If they dared to try to take off my bra again I'll show them why I was a CSI...not even Grissom will be able to find their bodies..._

As Catherine continues to hide her presence, the implications of seeing Sara check her undergarments leave her trying to suppress the sob that follows. It is only a small insight into the the type of life her love had been exposed to for far too long. Catherine quickly glances down at her shaking hands before putting one hand on her chest in an attempt to calm herself down. She can feel herself losing the battle against the growing panic attack and she knows if doesn't slow her breathing down she may just pass out.

Still unaware that there is anyone else in the room, Sara stumbles off the bed and heads to the washroom. She doesn't know where or why she's here...but she'll never miss the opportunity to use mouthwash and a shower.

Shock and fear keep Catherine rooted to her spot in the corner. As much as she wants to follow Sara to make sure she's okay, Catherine is tentative to make her presence known...she really should have come up with a better game plan...she has no idea what she should actually be doing. Hearing the water still running loudly, Catherine allows herself a quick cry as she regains control over her mind and body. She slides her body down the wall into a crouched position as the dizzy fog clears from her mind. She has to pull herself together and be strong for Sara...she just has to.

Exiting the washroom freshly clean and refreshed, Sara pads out loosely wrapped in a towel and searches for her torn and tattered bag.

Catherine watches in silent horror at the emaciated appearance of her love. Sara was still thin from her hospitalization a year ago, but she had started to fill out a little bit...now her bones are practically poking through her skin. Catherine has seen corpses that look more alive than Sara. Her arms, legs and abdomen are marked with small scars and Catherine wonders how many of them were self-inflicted. Perhaps most frightening of all are her eyes; her beautiful, soulful, inquisitive eyes are now dull and lifeless. For a split second she can't help but wish they were both dead...no two people should have to experience this much suffering in their life.

Watching Sara continue to riffle through her bag, Catherine finds herself pondering what it would feel like if they both just overdosed on whatever IV drug Sara is taking...but she quickly shakes the thought away as she remembers Jim downstairs in the lobby making the arrangements to get Sara into detox.

Catherine knows that for the time being, Sara will have to use again so her body doesn't go into withdrawal...so she says nothing as Sara preps and injects her grossly thin arm with the poisonous drug. She can't take her eyes away as Sara withdraws the plunger and her blood mingles and dances with the drug before the concoction is slowly plunged into her vein.

As the drug takes its hold, Sara's eyes once again begin to glaze over and lazily roll back. Remembering the drug induced, semi responsive state she was in when they found her, Catherine takes the chance and gets up before gently climbing onto the bed next to her love, sighing deeply.

"Oh, my sweet Sara...what have you suffered all alone...I'm so sorry..."

_Oh good...it's starting to kick in already...I haven't seen you in a while babe...or did I...I don't know, I'm just glad to see you again. It's almost as good as seeing you in person...even better if you consider that I'm not harming anyone this way...not even I could screw up an illusion's life...could I? I for one enjoy our daily drug induced vision talks. It's the nice part of being high...before your body starts to physically flip out and feel crappy...it's the nice period when my mind conjures up things you could be doing and we have a nice little chat...until things start to get too intense...but I have the solution for that...more drugs! ...but then you go away because I pass out...but then you come back again later so it's all good...but I digress..._

Eyes heavy and glazed, Sara wobbly turns toward Catherine and addresses her in a casual manner.

"I hope you're doing well babe. I wonder if you're out of that place yet? They better have treated you well."

Perplexed at the sudden calm conversation, Catherine softly answers that they did.

Figuring from her calm demeanor that Sara probably doesn't know that she's really sitting right there, Catherine decides to use this uninhibited moment to get as much information from the past two months as she can...as long as Sara doesn't get too distressed.

"They were actually really nurturing and informative there...although they weren't to you were they?"

A sluggish shake of her head is the only response Catherine gets so she continues the one way conversation gently.

"They didn't tell me that they had spoken to you or that you had left the hospital. If I had known Sara, I wouldn't have allowed this to happen...I'm so sorry babe...none of what I did was your fault, you know that right?"

Sighing now herself, Sara slowly shakes her head again before adjusting herself to lean against the headboard and addressing her vision.

"No...no...they were right. I'm damaged in so many ways. I'll always be a burden to you...it's so much better for you this way. I should have done this way before...I don't know why I didn't. But it's okay now...things are finally better for everyone."

Stung by the detached and defeated tone in her voice, Catherine finds herself speechless as Sara continues to belittle herself.

"You know, I see Lindsay too sometimes...not as often as you though...and honestly, I'm not sure what's worse; seeing you guys when I know you're not real, or the fact I look forward to talking to you guys when somewhere in my twisted mind I know you're not real."

Pausing to let out a half laugh, Sara leans back away from Catherine and squints slightly.

"Ha...that didn't even make sense did it? Oh well, I know what I meant...you don't mind, do you?"

Finally able to find her voice, Catherine resists the urge to grab Sara's face and make her understand.

"Sara, I am so, so sorry! I'm sorry I left you all alone in pain. I'm sorry I gave up on you...I should have known you were too tough to die like that. I only attempted suicide because I thought you were about to die...I thought I was joining you in death...I was stupid, I know! And I'm so, so sorry!"

Catherine leans in closer to Sara and moves to kiss her on the forehead before the younger woman quickly pulls back.

"Hey, hey whoa...n-no...I don't have enough for many more hits here...I don't think I can deal with any more emotion right now...this is getting to be too much...I may have to ask you to go away now." Sara runs her quivering hand over her face and swallows hard. "You know, I really need to get more cash...this shit is expensive and goes away far too fast."

Wiping away the tears that are beginning to form in her eyes, she slowly shakes her head before letting out a half laugh, half sob.

"Not to mention, It's not strong enough anymore. I'm trying to numb away the pain...this isn't numb...this isn't okay."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...you're okay Sara." Catherine holds up her hands in surrender and immediately obeys. She unsuccessfully tries to fight back a sob herself. She thought seeing Sara bloody with doctors performing CPR on her was the worst she's seen her love...but this is a whole new level of pain.

As if someone flipped a switch, Sara quickly goes from anger to almost child-like hyperness as she skittishly glances around the room in confusion.

"Hey...how'd I get here anyway? I don't remember needing to go to a hotel..."

Before she can think up an answer, Catherine jumps in shock as dark red blood begins to pour from Sara's right nostril and drips off her chin.

Feeling the warm blood run down her face but still Unfazed, Sara sniffs and holds the corner of the towel to her face.

"Yeah...I know...It will stop in a minute...the inside of my nose is toast from all the coke...this happens all the time. Its good shit though...but bloody expensive. I've tried pretty much everything I can get my hands on...whatever it takes to feel numb...to make this all go away..."

Catherine can't suppress the body racking sob this time and Sara looks up at her confused for a moment before lowering the towel and leaning back away from her.

"I'm sorry Cath...don't be upset babe...I've been dead for a long time...I'm just waiting for my body to catch up. I promised I wouldn't commit suicide...I guess I only half broke that promise eh?"

Sara stops to check her nose before adjusting her weight to lean casually against the headboard again.

"Hopefully it won't be much longer now...I don't think it will be much longer. My chest hurts even when I'm high now...that's new. And I'm finding breathing more of a chore...especially since my nose is almost always clogged...the scar tissue must be massive. Not to mention the fact I haven't been on my Meds since forever...since...actually, I don't even know how long it's been. How long has it been since I left? I've totally lost all concept of time. I guess I'm just trying to take things hour by hour until it ends. Although,...I must say...this form of medication seems to be doing the trick."

Easily distracted once again, Sara raises her right hand and begins to gently rub on her sternum to try to relieve some of the growing tension; stopping only when the still slightly raised scar beneath the towel begins to take offense. Looking down at the thick line of healed tissue, she still can't believe that at one time this was the opening in which they cracked her chest...she had seen a few episodes of ER where someone yelled for a rib spreader...definitely and cringe and hug your pillow moment.

"You need help Sara."

The heartbreaking laugh that Sara emits nearly crushes Catherine's already waning resolve.

"Now that's a massive understatement! But you know, you don't have to worry...when I die, you'll at least get a little bit of money...you're my beneficiary...I wish I had more to leave you though. I hope you're happy and that you don't think about me or worry. I hope the program taught you to finally think about yourself first and move on with your life. I was a cancer to you Cath...I'm so sorry it took me this long to excise myself so you can heal."

Stopping to once again wipe away those pesky tears, Sara shakes her head and clears her throat. She's annoyed at herself for getting emotional...especially when she's high.

"I hope you're able to get away and go on a vacation or something...go spoil yourself...and don't think about me ever again...and never, ever blame yourself for my short comings...Shit...I really need to find some stronger stuff..."

Sara rubs her eyes again and pulls the loose towel further up and tighter around her body in a protective gesture before continuing.

"You know, I hope they don't have to inform you when I die...well I guess they kind of have to since you're the beneficiary...but that's why I left Vegas in the first place...so you wouldn't have to suffer as a result of my bullshit. No more hospitalizations...near death experiences...me always being the center of attention...hurting you over and over...ruining your life!"

Getting increasingly more agitated, Sara begins to slowly rock herself back and forth as her voice rises.

"I just wish that I had died that night instead of Lindsay!...Or at the very least, when I was shot in the chest!... Or even better yet, when my father hit me so hard he cracked my skull that time when I was bad..."

"Stop! That's enough Sara!"

Unable to hear it any longer, crying freely, Catherine reaches out to hug her broken love.

At the sudden contact Sara flinches confused and tries to pull away.

"Okay...whoa...I'm confused...and high...and confused...you're not real...this isn't real...so please go away and leave me alone now...I don't want to think anymore...I just want to be numb...so this is enough for today okay?"

Heart broken, Catherine leans closer and kisses her face and whispers how much she loves her while the tears endlessly stream down her face. She had thought she had felt the height of suffering already, but seeing Sara so broken and confused is opening a whole new layer of Hell.

For her part, now completely confused and with rising panic, Sara once again tries to pull away without avail. Instead, Catherine pulls her even tighter and continues to gently kiss her face and neck.

"I'm so sorry Sara...I'm so sorry! I'll never leave you again, I swear...I'm so sorry...I love you so much and nothing you say or do will ever change that!"

Growing tired from her rollorcoaster emotional state and feeling her body unwillingly begin to sober up, Sara allows herself a moment to remember the feeling of Catherine's arms around her and the warmth it provides.

"Where are we Cath? Are you real? Really real? How is this happening? This can't be happening!" Sara says quietly before trying to pull away once again and looking down ashamed.

"Please leave Cath. You can't be real...this hasn't happened before...I need more drugs...or a knife."

Panic begins to overtake her and she starts to shake and hyperventilate.

"No Sara! Let me help you. I can get you help...please just...just stay with me."

As both women cry, Sara finally manages to pull herself away and stumbles off the bed. Having landed on her hands and knees, she crawls into the corner of the room with her back against the wall.

Catherine is absolutely horrified and heartbroken. She finds herself rooted to the bed watching as Sara starts to rock her body back and forth, quietly talking to herself.

"No...no, you can't help me...I don't want help...I want to die. I wanted to die alone so I can't hurt anyone anymore. I can't do this again...I won't do this again...Oh God, how could this be happening? This can't be happening...this is all in my mind...right?..."

Before Catherine can reply, both women suddenly jump as the door opens and Jim walks in with a new set of clothes for Sara. The sight that greets him makes his blood run cold and his vision blur with tears. He stands frozen observing the devastated women.

Sara sobs and covers her face in shame at seeing her beloved father figure, still unsure of what is really happening. She's had her share of strange trips while high, but nothing as realistic as this. As improbable as it seems, she's actually starting to believe that this is real...and that thought alone sends her heart rate to dangerous levels.

Jim cautiously looks to a crying Catherine for approval before approaching the broken brunette in the corner.

Gently but firmly Jim grabs her skeletal body and pulls her to his chest while whispering in her ear that everything is going to be okay.

"Sara...I love you...like a daughter...and I am going to help you get through this okay? Do you hear me sweetheart? You are going to get through this."

Jim gets no response as Sara continues to shake as the panic attack worsens. Without loosening his hold on the trembling woman, Jim looks back up at Catherine with concern at Sara's worsening condition.

Now fueled with worry, Catherine pulls herself off the bed and angrily wipes her eyes free of tears as she snatches Sara's old bag and kneels on the floor in front of Sara and Jim.

Placing her fingers on Sara's throat, Catherine jumps slightly in surprise before taking Sara's head in both her hands, forcing the distraught woman to look at her.

"Sara...babe...your heart is pounding out of your chest. What can you take to make yourself feel better? We need to calm you down and bring your pulse down okay?"

Continuing to sob and hyperventilate, Sara shakes her head no, as her sunken eyes flutter and start to roll back.

Fear rising, Catherine now roughly grabs Sara's head and forces her to look her in the eye.

"You promised you would never intentionally hurt me Sara! If you know how, you make this better now!"

"N-no...I-I don't know...this...this is different. Are you really real? I'm so sorry! You weren't supposed to ever see me like this...I'm so sorry Cath...I'm sorry!"

The muffled slur of Sara's voice sends waves of panic through both Catherine and Jim as they watch helplessly as Sara's brow furrow in pain as she coughs against the growing tightness in her throat.

Jim tries to readjust his hold to keep her safe and comfortable as he feels her body going limp.

"It's okay Sara, I love you okay...and nothing will ever change that...ever. But you need to concentrate and tell me; will you overdose if you take another hit? You are having a pretty bad panic attack and if the drug will help you, we need to try it. Change of plans…we are going to have to get you out of here tonight so we can get you help...but we have to get your heart rate down first. Can you do this Sara?"

Catherine forces herself to talk and act calm for Jim and Sara's sake, but on the inside she thinks that she may just fall over from a heart attack any second herself.

Sara intentionally doesn't answer Catherine's request, and tries desperately to pull away as she sobs in shame and disgust.

For their part, neither Jim nor Catherine are willing to budge either; and Cath kisses her cheek while Jim kisses her head.

"Listen Sara, please just do it...this one time...please. I don't have anything else with me here to help you...please babe, we have to bring your heart rate down...I'm scared..."

Passing Sara the contents of the bag, Catherine rubs Sara's arms to try to bring some warmth back to her clammy trembling body.

"No...no...I can't...please don't make me. I don't care if I die...you should just let me die. You should have just let me blow my brains out that day in the living room." Unwanted tears fill Sara's eyes at the memory. " No...no...I felt so horrible I made you witness that...I don't want that...but I'm doing it again to you now...this isn't right! You should never have had to see that...or this...I can't believe this is happening again! I can't do this to you anymore...you need to just leave...both of you...please! I can't let this happen...I can't..."

Jim looks up startled at Catherine at the mention of a previous suicide attempt, but Catherine conveniently ignores the holes he's burning into her head. Instead, she takes the bag back and begins to prepare the drugs herself. She fears for Sara's worsening condition and figures this is the lesser of two evils.

Although it feels like lifetime ago, Catherine has dealt with drugs in the past and quickly cooks up the poisonous substance. Taking the worn leather belt from Sara's discarded clothing, Catherine places the syringe on the floor as she fastens the tourniquet on Sara's thin upper arm.

As the belt tightens, Sara uses her remaining energy to try and fight both Catherine and Jim off while pleading for them to stop.

Trying to be subtle so as not to insult of demean Sara, Jim softly whispers a warning to Catherine to avoid being stuck by the needle or be exposed to Sara's blood for fear the young woman may have contracted something. It's a grim realization that neither person wants to contemplate for long.

Despite her struggle, Catherine successfully injects Sara's vein with the drug and joins Jim in holding Sara as her weak struggling slows and the tension drains from her body.

Warm tears slide down her face as her eyes begin to cloud over and Jim kisses her one last time before releasing her into Catherine's care so he can prepare the car.

As gently as she can manage, Catherine coaxes Sara back to the bed and retrieves the clothes Jim had bought for her. She hands her the over-sized dress shirt while fighting back her own tears as she takes stock of Sara's disturbingly wasted and thin body. The surgical scar that runs down the center of her chest and the small chest tube scars from the shooting are now joined by at least fifty cuts, bruises and abrasions from God knows what. She can see every bone, every vertebrae, every wasting muscle in Sara's abused body.

A sluggish and confused Sara struggles with the buttons; so Catherine gently moves her hands away and does them up for her. She's scared and angry at the same time. She wants to scream, slap and kiss Sara for doing this to herself...but she settles on slowly but firmly guiding her out of the building to Jim in the awaiting car.

The drive back to Vegas is mostly silent as Jim drives and Catherine holds a sleeping and trembling Sara in the back seat. She hopes Sara is sleeping...she's seemingly lost in her own drug induced world.

Jim uses his Bluetooth headset to call each member of the team. Despite his own anxieties, he tries to assure his shaken friends that they are going to get Sara help and work toward making everything better.

While listening to Jim's hushed conversation, Sara mumbles slightly and Catherine has to lean her head against Sara's to make out some of what she is saying.

"...Cath...Linds...I'm so sorry...I've really messed up this time. I'm broken beyond repair...I'm sorry I won't be with you two, I'm going straight into the pits of Hell. I love you both so much, I wish I could express how much...I should have said it more...I hope you both know..."

Unable to listen to Sara's heartbreaking pleas any longer, Catherine holds her tighter and gently kisses the side of her head and face.

"Sara...I love you sweetheart! And Lindsay loves you! I'm going to get you help...and be with you every step of the way...everything is going to be okay, you'll see. Just close your eyes and listen to my heartbeat okay...I'm here with you my love. I'll never leave you again...I'm so sorry! I love you Sara!"

Even in her confused fog, Sara feels broken inside and out. She tries to focus on Catherine's heartbeat, but the rocking of the car is making her feel miserable.

More concerning is the fact that even with the drugs in her system, her chest still feels tight. Breathing is becoming tiring and she starts to wonder if maybe she could just take a little break and rest; its bad enough she's actually missing a portion of one lung...the remaining lobes are now protesting against the extra strain. She finds herself having to heave her whole chest just to suck in a breath...almost like she did that time before...and that didn't turn out so well. This is bad...something has changed...something is definitely wrong with her now. She's trying to relax her muscles and breathe normally, but despite her best efforts, her chest just wants to hitch and twitch. Then, when the burning sensation builds, she's forced to call on most of the muscles in her upper body to assist her lungs to actually take in air. Part if her wishes she would just black out because the primal fear of not being able to breathe is consuming her every thought and the vicious cycle of panicking is doubling her efforts to adequately oxygenate her blood.

The unwelcome memories of the last time she struggled to breathe as she lay dying on the floor combined with her feeling of guilt reminds Sara why she turned to drugs to ease her troubled mind. But why wasn't it working this time? The physical and mental pain is becoming unbearable and her mind begins to morph into a blur of tortured emotions. Unable to fully grasp the thoughts flashing across her mind, fear and confusion take hold and she begins to struggle against the forces holding her down.

While still holding Sara in a protective embrace, Catherine can feel Sara's noticeably uneven and labored breaths. When she had first helped Sara into the car, she was lethargic but compliant; but as her breathing worsened, so seemingly did her awareness of their current situation. Catherine isn't sure which of those scares her the worst.

In her struggles, Sara tries to push Catherine's hands away before bringing her own arms up to cover her head; much like a professional boxer would to protect his head from an approaching fist. Catherine hopes it's not another migraine coming on. A few months after Sara had come home from the original shooting, Catherine would often find Sara holding her head in pain when the migraines would hit her hard. The doctor's had warned them that recurring migraines could be a side effect of the brain damage and it could even sometimes be a precursor for a seizure. Catherine prays that this is not one such time.

As she tries to rub calming circles on Sara's back, Catherine can't help but flash back to when she used to try to calm Sara in the ICU and how all the staff used to say that no one had the ability to calm Sara the way she did. They said it must be because Sara trusts her implicitly and that even in her confused, anxious state, Catherine's presence makes her feel safe.

Catherine pauses her gentle massage to wipe the stray tear that managed to escape. There are far too many similarities to the original shooting and she begins to feel her own heart rate race out of control in response.

Despite Sara's best efforts, she's still not getting enough oxygen; and for her troubles, the overexertion is causing her to break out in a cold sweat. She'll squirm around and will manage to get in a few good sounding breaths before her body will hitch and struggle to inhale; it almost sounds like she's being strangled.

Before resuming her efforts to calm her, Catherine readjusts her hold on Sara to try to get her into a higher sitting position in the hopes of helping her breathing.

Glancing in the rear view mirror and seeing both women struggle, Jim hits his sirens and picks up speed. He wordlessly communicates with Catherine before gluing his eyes on the road and gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. Even if he could manage to talk past the growing lump in his throat, there are no words to adequately express what all members in the car are feeling. After everything they have already overcome...why must they once again be faced with so much pain? Will it ever end? Can they finally just be happy? Jim allows himself a moment of pity before shaking his head and those thoughts aside. By all rights they should have lost Sara over a year ago...and several times in between...and so help me God they are not going to lose her now. Even if he has to move heaven and earth he is not going to let Sara die!

Jim softly clears his throat and his resolve strengthens as he spares another glance at the two women in the back.

"That's great Catherine...you are doing great. Try to keep her head up just like that and I'll get us to Desert Palms in no time."

"I'm trying to keep her calm Jim...but I don't know if I'm helping at all...I'm scared...I can't lose her...not again". Catherine confesses as another tear makes its way down her cheek.

"No sweetheart, you won't lose her...she's fighting for you just like she did before. I'm so proud of both of you...you two are doing great! I love you guys!" Jim says as his voice begins to crack.

"Thanks Jim, we both love you so much too...don't we Sara?" Catherine replies while kissing the top of her head.

Despite his words of encouragement, Jim fears that Sara is deteriorating at an alarming rate so while Catherine softly talks to Sara, he once again calls Gil on his Bluetooth.

Much to his surprise, Gil and the guys are already on their way to the hospital. Apparently when Sara had first gone missing, Elizabeth spoke to Gil and pleaded with him to call her as soon as they located Sara. Therefore in true awkward Grissom fashion, Gil actually called Elizabeth and woke the poor nurse up in the middle of the night, who in turn called her buddy in the ER; so now the medical team is ready and waiting for their arrival. Jim isn't sure if he should be thankful and impressed or angry and ashamed...but since it will most definitely help Sara, he'll settle with proud.

Wiping the sweat from her brow, Catherine begins to rub and massage Sara's scalp. She never understood how Sara could like it so much as she herself hates it when people touch her hair...but Sara would almost pur like a cat when Catherine would scratch the back of her head.

Smiling at the memory, a sudden thought crosses her mind and she stops her ministrations. Looking intensely at her hands over Sara's skull, she finds herself wondering if just under her fingertips lies the damaged braincells...the doctor's had never showed her specifically where the damage had been located.

Catherine moves her left hand over Sara's back, where she knows more damage resides and rubs gently the way she used to for Lindsay. Under her fingertips she can feel the scars that indicate where a piece of Sara's lung had been removed to save her life. While that thought should scare her, Catherine begins to feel a strange peace wash over her...Jim was right, Sara is fighting...her many wounds and scars are a testament to her strength and will to survive.

"You are a fighter Sara...look at how much you have already overcome. You are not going to let this beat you! You hear me love? You keep fighting!"

Despite her strong words, both Jim and Catherine battle tears as Sara strangles out another ragged breath. As painful as it is to listen to, Catherine figures it is far better than if she was silent. As long as she's breathing when they get her to the hospital, then that's already a small victory in her eyes. At the rate Sara is deteriorating, she's beyond thankful they are only a few minutes away.

Catherine tightens her grip on Sara's slender frame as if her physical hold and determination alone will keep her bound to this earth. She has already lost so much...felt excruciating pain and regret...and yet here she is again. Just when she thought she has seen the worst of the worst, life once again brings Catherine to her knees and she's left wondering; how low can you go?


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thank you so very much Candi and Joanna for the reviews! I know I always say it, but I apologize for the delay in posting this update...night shift sucks! I think I'm FINALLY seeing the end of this story approaching...another three to four chapters and at long last it will be completed. I honestly never thought it would take me over two years to get this done...I am so, so sorry! If I decide to write fanfiction again I will definitely write the bulk of the story before beginning to post; thank you so much for those of you that have stuck with my crazy ideas and horrible delays! Feedback as always is much appreciated. Take care everyone!**

_Catherine_

Miraculously we made it to Desert Palms hospital in one peace. I'm not sure what was more traumatizing; Sara deteriorating and fearing for her health, or Sara deteriorating and Jim's driving in response to her decline.

I love Jim dearly and trust both my life and Sara's in his capable hands...but Damn...with every laboured breath Sara took, the speedometer went up 2 km per hour. For a while there I think I stopped breathing...

I just thank God we got Sara here safely though. We made the right choice to come to the hospital tonight. Her chest sounded horrible...I should have thought to bring her puffers and some of her medications with me when we set out to find her...but really, I wasn't thinking at that point. To be honest, I still don't think I've really wrapped my mind around all of this yet...it's just too much to even comprehend.

Even though we've only been separated for a couple minutes, my arms are already aching to hold Sara again. As promised, Gil and the medical team were waiting for us when we pulled up and Sara was rushed into the ER. Elizabeth is in with them now and she's also arranged for me to meet with the rehab team here to plan Sara's care; as soon as she's medically stable. The only problem is, it's the same rehab team I had been enrolled in...and I'm not really sure how I feel about that...

My train of thoughts are abruptly cut off as the blur off in my periphery materializes into the jogging figure of Elizabeth.

"Catherine! Hey, sorry...okay...so here's the deal, Jim and Gil are already on the second floor and they'll meet you there... I'll take you up to the office now myself and the directors will only be another minute..." Elizabeth pants out before pausing to take a few forced breaths and smirks at my raised eyebrow. "Yeah...I don't have the lung capacity to jog up stairs anymore...I really gotta quit smoking...this is nuts...sorry...just give me a minute..."

"Please, don't apologize...after everything you've done for us...hell, this is your day off...take all the time you need!" I say placing my hand on her shoulder. "Not to mention, it took me at least a dozen failed attempts at quitting before I finally got it right...it's not as easy as everyone thinks it is...especially when you have a high stress job and you find it comforting."

"Thanks...I'm okay now...Let's go." Elizabeth says while guiding us toward the door. "I'll come back up to check on you guys in a few minutes so when you are done I can take you to Sara. The ICU is clearing a bed for her as soon as the ER gives the all clear. They were just running a few tests when I left..."

The young nurse pauses and I can almost see the wheels turning in her head as she tries to think of a way to break the news to me gently.

"I know how grave it is Elizabeth...she really did a number on herself didn't she?"

"I'm so sorry Catherine...I still can't believe all this happened. Hell, I work with these people...I swear, I had no idea...we have such good social workers...Shit doesn't go down like this..."

Placing my hand on her shoulder once more and squeezing gently I cut off the increasingly agitated nurse.

"Don't worry; I'll deal with the idiots. I know you had no part in this and I do trust the staff here. Sara hates catch all sayings; but the whole 'one bad Apple spoils the bunch' comes to mind. Just make sure my girl is waiting for me okay? After everything...I'm not going to lose her now..."

Reaching the door, Elizabeth and I share one more supportive hug before I step toward the worried faces of Jim and Gil. As grateful as I am to have them here, I plan on being none too subtle with my displeasure on how Sara was treated and I hope for their sakes neither Jim nor Gil try to censor me.

/

-break-

/

_Elizabeth_

I watch the door slowly close and steal a quick glance at the extended CSI family hug each other in support before I turn away and head back down to the ER. I know Rob is the primary doctor responsible for Sara's care and despite the fact I'm not working, he won't shut me out from being the unofficial go between.

It's strange...I spend my life taking care of other people...watching individuals and families have their life torn apart in literally a blink of an eye...and yet it still doesn't get any easier or less shocking. Every day I see how cruel life can be...to the point I think I need to start working part-time instead of full-time in order to keep some of my sanity. Especially now since I've developed a personal connection with Sara and Catherine...it's just plain not fair how much they have suffered and had to overcome. How much more can one family take...how many times must they stand of the brink of being destroyed and keep coming back?

As I reach the swinging doors of the trauma room I sigh as I realize that once again it's the same room that both Lindsay and Sara have occupied before. Tears spring to my eyes at the sight of my lost friend as my colleagues hover over her, barking orders at each other. Suddenly I no longer want to enter...it's probably a good thing I'm not working tonight because there is no way I would be able to separate the emotional part of me from the nurse part...life is just not fair!

Taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to steel myself and finally enter the room, Rob looks up and catches my eye. Signaling for me to wait, he barks a couple more orders at the staff before grabbing some papers and coming out to meet me.

"Okay Rob, what do we have?"

"Not good Lizzy...not good. I'm honestly not even sure where I should be starting with her...there is just so much going on...I'm surprised she's even conscious."

I cringe at his use of my pet name, but given the seriousness of the moment I decide to let it slide as he hands me the preliminary test results he had in his hands.

I quickly scan the numbers and begin to interpret them in my head before snapping my eyes up to meet his.

"That can't be right Rob..."

"I ran them twice...and that's only the beginning. The X-ray didn't give me the best view, but needless to say I'm worried about her heart and lungs. I'll need a CAT scan or MRI to get a better look, but I'm almost positive there is fluid there. Given that Catherine told us that Sara complained of persistent chest pain and her heart beat is irregular, I need a rush on those scans. She's definitely critical right now."

"Rob...her kidneys and liver are failing...and her white blood cell count is through the roof...oh my God...and is this the tox panel? Oh Sara..."

I have to turn away from the paper as the tears are blurring my eyes to the point I can no longer read the numbers...and at this point I'm not sure I even want to anymore. I don't think I can do this...I don't think I can even be the go between...

I clear my throat to try to rid myself of the emotional quiver in my voice. I have to pull myself together before I lose it completely.

"Given all these numbers...is her body even going to be able to handle the withdrawal?" I ask as I begin to feel my head start to spin at the implications of the papers in my hands.

Rob places a gentle hand on my shoulder and turns us so that our backs are against the trauma room window before he continues.

"She's definitely in for the long haul...thank God they got her here when they did. At least her Sats are coming up now...I thought we were going to have to intubate her again. I've started a few IV antibiotics already...I'm not even sure where this infection is coming from." Rob says before running his hand through his hair.

It scares me to see how rattled Rob is...he's normally so calm, cool and collected. This is really bad. It's never easy to see cases like these...but given almost all the staff here has heard of Catherine and Sara's many plights over the past year, we all can't help but take it a little more personally.

Taking my silence as an invitation to continue, Rob pulls out another paper from my hands and sighs.

"Dietary is concerned about refeeding syndrome so we are going with IV nutrition for now. If I had to guess, I'd bet she hasn't eaten for days. She's dangerously underweight and dehydrated. I'm almost positive she has a stomach ulcer as well."

Finally able to find my voice again and trying to get myself back into nurse mode, I flip through the last few pages trying to absorb as much information as I can.

"What are the thoughts on her epilepsy and brain damage?"

"Given how she is responding to us right now, I don't think there has been any major brain damage sustained. She more than likely did experience seizures though...since one of the only drugs not in her system are the seizure medications..."

I can't stop the cringe as I remember her alarming tox panel. God only knows how many drugs she's abused since she left...I wasn't even sure that was possible...and I've seen my fair share over the years.

"Did she ummm...has she...you know...given that they found her in a tweaker area...with IV drug use..." I sigh and run my hand over my face before drawing in a deep breath. I can't even get the question out for fear of what the answer may be. Luckily Rob seems to catch on and matches me with a deep sigh of his own.

"I don't have definitive results yet...but miraculously it looks like she hasn't contracted any disease. She's already proven to us time and time again that's she's a fighter, but this is going to be tough. Given all of her other complications...there is so much to worry about...and we don't even have the whole story yet. How is Catherine taking it?" Rob asks looking around for the familiar red head.

"She's up talking with the directors of the rehab team now...I'm going to go up to get her in a minute and bring her to Sara...if that's okay with you guys?" I ask while turning back around to look at Sara through the glass door.

"Yeah, no problem. I'll bring in a chair for her. We need to wait for a few more results then come up with a game plan for her care. The rehab team won't be able to see her for a while though...not until I'm confident she's stable. She looks a lot better right now than she really is...her body is on the brink of complete failure...I have the crash cart on standby." Rob says shaking his head and gesturing to the ominous cart before he freezes his actions and looks up at me.

"...wait...it's not the same rehab program as..." Rob starts before I cut him off.

"Yeah...so I should probably go get Catherine now...her anger is more than justifiable, but still. I'm surprised we haven't heard a code white called already."

"When all this is said and done I expect a full inquiry to be held. This just shouldn't have happened." Rob says through clenched teeth as his body posture stiffens.

I still can't believe all of this has happened. How did everything go so wrong? The tension and anger in the air is palpable until a disturbingly rattled cough from behind the glass door grabs our attention and brings us back to the present.

"You know what; those idiots don't deserve our attention right now. Let's just keep focused on getting these two ladies through this so they can finally enjoy their lives together the way they deserve. You go take care of Catherine and bring her down and I'll work on stabilizing Sara. I'll see you back down here in a few." Rob says patting me on the arm before we turn our separate ways.

Despite my lung's protest I take the stairs two at a time and jog to the still closed door of the conference room. I can hear the muffled voices of several people trying to talk at the same time before Catherine's distinct voice rises above them all.

My right fist freezes mid-knock and my eyebrows rise up to my hairline as a giggle escapes my lips. I instinctively take a step back and glance around to see if anyone else is in ear-shot of the door.

Finding myself alone in the hallway, I cross my arms over my chest and allow Catherine to have her say without interruption. A pang of guilt washes over me as I realize I'm eavesdropping, but much like a car wreck, I find myself unable to look away.

"Wow...I wow..." I clear my throat and mutter to myself. I really should walk away but wow...that was...hmmm...

"I guess I haven't heard it all...good for her!" I mutter again to no one in particular while shaking my head to try to rid myself of the blush I can feel creeping up my neck as Catherine's words resonate in my head.

"...well, I won't be able to look him in the eye for a while...although I did always get a creepy vibe from him...good enough for the bastard!"

My conversation to myself is suddenly cut off as the door swings open and the directors scramble out like cockroaches when the lights are turned on.

I let out a half cough and try to clear my throat in an attempt to act natural as the flushed faces of Jim and Gil greet me. I can only imagine that their sheepish expressions probably mirror my own. We wordlessly glance at each other until Catherine steps out from behind them; calmly adjusting her dress shirt.

"They will allow me to be involved in Sara's rehab...even though it's against policy." Catherine says evenly as a means of explanation and I awkwardly find myself shaking my head before nodding like an idiot as Catherine strides by me towards the stairs.

I glance once again and Jim and Gil who both look as shell-shocked as I feel. We stand awkwardly for a moment before we all notice Catherine's already at the door to the stairs, so we scurry to catch up behind her.

Note to self...do not incur the wrath of Catherine Willows.

/

-break-

/

_Catherine_

I know it sounds bad, but I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...at least one of the small ones...there are several that reside there.

Once we get back to the ER, Elizabeth, Jim and Gil look at each other awkwardly before the guys step away to go talk to the team and give Elizabeth and I some privacy.

As soon as the guys round the corner I brace myself for the worst and ask the question I'm honesty afraid of hearing.

"So how bad is it really Elizabeth?"

The young nurse takes a deep breath and glances at her feet before making eye contact with me.

"It's very critical Catherine. I'm not going to sugar coat it. She may look okay this second, but she's profoundly unwell. We don't have the full picture yet because some of the tests were inconclusive, but her body is failing."

Elizabeth pauses and glances around before running a hand over face.

"You know about the drug use...but trust me when I say, it was bad...and it has taken its toll. She probably abused any and everything...but it seems miraculously she hasn't contracted any disease from the IV use."

I release the breath I didn't even know I was holding and a single tear escapes and runs down my cheek before I quickly swipe it away. She gives me a moment to compose myself silently before continuing.

"Right now we have her on oxygen via nasal prongs...they gave her a breathing treatment when she came in and that has seemed to help...but her chest isn't good. She's also fighting an infection so we have several IV's running with different medications, as well as for hydration. She'll stay here in the ER until we can take a few more scans...then she'll go to the ICU."

Elizabeth once again pauses her medical recap as she gently takes my arm and guides me to the windowed door that I have seen more than I care to remember.

"In terms of seizures and brain damage...I really can't give you a definite answer...but if anything, it wasn't too severe."

Taking a deep breath now myself, I slowly glance in the room and see my love propped up on the flimsy padded stretcher. Despite Elizabeth's warnings, I can't help but feel a rush of hope wash over me at how alert she appears. She looks much better than she did in the car. She doesn't appear to be in full withdrawal, perhaps due to whatever they are giving her; but she is quivering as if she's starting to come down from her high.

My stomach suddenly clenches as I wonder if her deterioration in the car was because of the last hit I forced on her. Tears immediately flood my eyes and I have to swallow several times before I can finally talk against the lump in my throat.

"Elizabeth...I ummm...I...before we came here...I had to...I forced her...I..."

Stopping to clear my throat and try again, the young nurse patiently waits as I glue my eyes to the floor.

"I gave her another hit for fear of withdrawal... she was having a panic attack...her heart was racing...but she looks so much better now...did I hurt her?...did I make a mistake? Did I make her worse?"

Elizabeth forces me to look at her before speaking.

"Catherine, you did what you had to do. Trust me...in terms of drug volume; it was a drop in the bucket. Let's just get you in there and see your girl okay. You got her here, now you get her through this."

Hugging the kind nurse, I allow myself a few moments to settle my nerves as I look in at Sara's abused, thin body twitching and shivering uncontrollably against the over-sized looking hospital gown. One size definitely does not fit all.

We really are in for the long haul...I just pray to God we both still have the resolve to fight through this.

/

-break-

/

_Sara_

I watch with strange fascination as a nurse takes yet another blood sample from me and places a cotton ball covered with a band aid on my arm. I have to give that girl credit...my veins aren't easy to find anymore...I should know...and yet she found it in only two attempts. Not to mention the fact my whole body is twitching and shaking no matter how hard I try to regain full control of my muscles.

I don't know what they have given me, but I'm painfully awake and alert right now. It's beyond scary since up until this point my memory and concept of time was so jumbled. This must be some really strong shit...and that's probably not a good thing.

Shaking my head, I look up to complement her before she leaves, but my thoughts are cut off as I see Elizabeth and Catherine standing just outside the swinging doors talking to each other.

I feel my heart clinch with guilt as I see her wipe tears from her cheeks.

I caused that...yet again...

...what have I done?...

The doors swing open and Catherine cautiously enters and takes a seat in the empty chair beside me. Suddenly feeling very self-conscious and ashamed, I find I can't meet Catherine's eyes and instead try to look around to see where everyone has gone. Just a few minutes ago this room was bristling with people and activity; now it's far too quiet and empty.

I silently stare at my hands wishing I could just disappear; until Catherine's warm gentle hand comes to rest on my arm. I close my eyes against the comfort she provides; I don't deserve her unwavering love and support...

"How are you feeling babe?" Catherine's soft voice breaks the silence as she gives my arm a gentle squeeze of encouragement.

Deciding the least I could do is be open and honest with the woman whose life I have turned upside down, I resume staring at my clenched quivering hands and try to find the strength to get my words out without breaking down.

"Like I've been hit by a truck, followed by a bus, followed by a snow plough." I pause, and fight my tight chest to take in a deep breath before I force myself to make eye contact with the person I love beyond words. "I think I've done it this time Catherine. You weren't supposed to find me...to see me like that. 'I'm sorry' just doesn't seem to cut it anymore."

Catherine shakes her head and opens her mouth to protest, but I cut her off by lifting my hand; silently begging her to let me finish before I lose my resolve.

"You should just run away Cath...run as far as you can away from me. I can't keep hurting you like this...but I can't seem to control it myself anymore. I need you to leave and end this...stop me from hurting you."

Unable to look into her soulful blue eyes any longer, I cowardly turn my face away from her and close my eyes in shame.

"Sara, I love you. I told you before that nothing you could do would make me not love you...so you better get used to me being here. I promise I'll never leave you again." She lets out a soft sigh before squeezing my arm a little tighter. "Sara, look at me."

Gently grabbing my chin and turning my head to face her, I stubbornly keep my eyes closed until I feel her soft lips peck my closed eyelids.

"Look at me babe."

Unable to deny her any longer, I force myself to look at her...to look at the pain that I have caused her.

She gives me a tearful, sad smile before letting go of my chin and placing her open hand along the side of my face.

"I am so sorry you had to go through all of that all alone Sara. I may not agree with how you coped, but I don't blame you. If I hadn't tried to kill myself, none of this would have happened."

We both cringe at the statement that neither of us thought we would ever have to utter, before Catherine raises a hand to silence my impending argument.

"Don't even say it...just listen to me." She demands and I immediately comply. "We both made mistakes...and we can't take it back no matter how much we blame ourselves...so let's just move forward okay? We both need to promise not to hide our pain from each other."

She pauses to wipe a tear from my face before wiping one from her own.

"Sara, I need to hear you say that you promise! If you so much as have gas cramps I want to know! You're not out of the woods yet."

As I look into her tearful eyes I'm surprised to see no malice there, only love. How could she still love me after everything I have done?

My God, you could get lost in those eyes! If the eyes are truly the window into the soul, then hers must be the most beautiful soul in existence.

I didn't think it could be possible to be this sad and this happy at the same time. I love her so much! She is the strongest woman I have ever had the honour of knowing. After all the turmoil and pain she has had to endure, she still stands here strong and defiant in the face of adversity. My heart swells with pride for her...in stark contrast to the cold disgust I feel toward myself...

"Sara, say 'I promise'!"

I wish I could grant her request. I wish I could promise her the world...but I can't. I don't deserve this undying love and devotion. I can't do this to her...it's just not fair! She deserves more than I have to offer.

"Catherine, this isn't about hiding our feelings anymore babe. I trust you implicitly and I love you beyond what I thought possible...but...this isn't like before. This is way worse. I can't promise anything anymore. Look at me..."

With a heavy sigh and with my voice cracking with emotion, I tiredly lift my arms and let out a humourless laugh.

"Just look at me...I'm beyond broken."

"I'm looking Sara...and this isn't worse...we are going to fix this. Hell, we are willing to die for each other." She pauses and leans back slightly. "Is that what you want? We can both kill ourselves...here...now."

Seeing her face completely calm and serious, my eyebrows shoot up and I shake my head as vigorously as my quivering muscles will allow.

"Then if we aren't going to die together now, then let's work on living together okay?"

Still in my shell shocked state, I can't find my voice and I end up just staring wide eyed at the most wonderful woman in the world. Perhaps taking my silence as refusal, Catherine stands up and leans closer to me.

"Now promise me...I need to hear you say it Sara!"

Unable to deny a request from my love for long, I promise her and she immediately begins another heart-felt, love conquers all rant.

Despite the seriousness of the situation I find myself smiling at Catherine. I've done nothing to deserve such a wonderful woman in my life.

My smile is short lived however, as I begin to feel my chest getting uncomfortably tight.

Is this from emotion? Or guilt?

It's spreading painfully across my chest from left to right and I try to move myself into more of a sitting position just to get a good breath in. Is this withdrawal? A disturbingly familiar tingling makes its way up my limbs as Catherine's voice begins to muffle and sound farther away.

As panic begins to set in and I find it harder and harder to breathe, my mind unwillingly flashes to the last time I felt this way...when I spoke to Catherine on the phone, lungs filling with blood, on Todd's dingy floor...this is not good!

As fear begins to take over, I look up at Catherine who I think is still continuing her inspirational speech and try to get my mouth to form words. I just promised her too...oh God...something is very, very wrong...

"C-Cath...s-something is...I d-don't..."

I can't get my stupid voice to do anything other than a slurred whisper, but perhaps seeing my face Catherine immediately catches on and stops talking mid-sentence and pushes down on the call button.

Catherine's now blurry image appears right in front of my face and I'm startled to realize her voice sounds like I'm under water...I know I'm about to pass out and my body is completely out of my control. I can't believe this is happening again...

I can feel beads of sweat forming on my head...I guess it's a good thing I can still feel that...disturbing as it is.

I feel completely helpless as my vision continues to grey out to the point I can't even make out Catherine in front of me and I try in feign to tell her that I can't breathe...I don't think any words are actually coming out.

Moving to grasp the hand that is tightly clutching her chest, Catherine hovers over Sara and speaks loudly into her ear as her eyes begin to flutter and roll back.

"It's okay babe...I know you're having some trouble, help is on the way. Don't try and talk...just breathe...stay with me! I'm here with you love!"

I can feel Catherine's warm breath on my ear as she talks, but her voice is sounding farther and farther away. Even as my mind begins to fade, I can't help but feel the irony and it's just not fair!

For weeks I can waited for this moment...wanting to die and finally find some peace...then Catherine finds me and gives me a reason to live again and NOW my body decides to give up the fight? Now I'm not ready to die!

There is so much I need to tell Catherine...so much I need her to understand...and yet I can't get my thoughts out. I want her to know I heard her heartfelt pleas and I feel the same and so much more.

Both Catherine and Lindsay gave my life meaning. They showed me that kindness and love does exist in this world...despite the pain and cruelty I was exposed to as a child.

Catherine has to know...

"Sara, try not to panic...help is coming. Try and breathe babe...please don't leave me!"

Even though I can't see Catherine, I can feel her warm tears hit my cheeks and my own begin to fill in response.

I'm trying...God, I'm trying...I don't want to leave her. With what little control I have left, I try to squeeze her hand and draw as much strength as I can from her.

"Cath...C...I...I..."

"Shhh...Its okay Sara, I know. You don't have to tell me my love, I know. Just breathe. I'm right here with you, I'm not going to leave you. Keep fighting...stay with me!"

I know my body is shutting down; unfortunately I have felt this before. My fingers are tingling and going numb...to the point I can hardly feel Catherine's hand in mine anymore. I finally pushed my body to its limit. I'm not going to get another chance to cheat death...I know I'm going to die. Hell has reserved my spot.

I no longer have any control over my body. It feels like all of my limbs weigh 100 pounds each and something really; really large is sitting on my chest. I can hear myself gasping and Catherine crying...this had got to be the worst moment of my life!

I'm trying to keep my eyes open and look at Cath...even if it's a blurred, grayed-out version of her. At least my final image will be of my love.

Words cannot describe the terror of not being able to breathe...my lungs are burning, but despite my best efforts, I don't think I'm taking in any air...

...oh my God...this is it...

Flashes from my past are haunting my thoughts...I can see all of the hurt I have caused to Catherine over the years...please make it stop...just...just let me go...

/

-break-

/

_Catherine_

"Sara! Sara? Somebody help us now! We need help!"

I look down towards Sara's grayish blue pallor and contemplate getting up and dragging someone in here myself, but I don't want to leave her alone. I know it's only been a minute or two, but it feels like forever...and she's getting much, much worse.

"Don't you dare give up on me Sara Sidle! You keep fighting!" I demand as she sadly looks up at me. The look on her face is one of regret and resignation to the fact that she is about to die; and I just can't accept that.

The shaking and tremors have slowed and I think that scares me even more. She's losing the battle...and fast.

Suddenly I feel her body lurch violently against me and my heart stops for fear of this being another seizure...that is the last thing her poor body needs right now.

It takes me a moment to realize it's only her arms weakly flailing.

She's panicking and trying to fight me.

My poor love! I don't even want to know what's going through her head right now. I've never been this terrified...I can't imagine what she must feel like.

Bending down to kiss her face, I can feel her struggles weakening before growing limp under my hands.

"Sara breathe!" I look up towards the doors in panic before yelling toward whoever may be listening. "Help us she's not breathing! Oh my God...oh my God...Sara..."

I'm shaking beyond control and yet I feel paralyzed with fear.

What do I do?...what do I do? I know first aid...I just have to get my thoughts together...

Finally snapping into action, I lean over Sara while tilting her head back and plugging her nose. I take a few breaths myself in a futile attempt to calm my nerves before I bend down and breathe for Sara.

After a few attempts I pull back to assess the situation and realize that thanks to the bed being propped up slightly, I probably did little to no good. I regard Sara's deathly pallor and slightly open, but glazed eyes and realize in fear that she is indeed unconscious and probably dying.

I can hear rushed heavy feet approaching as well as the squeak of wheels coming towards us from down the hall. My adrenaline is pumping and in a cruel twist of fate, my senses are painfully sharp and it almost feels like these few moments are passing by in super slow motion.

Shaking my head at my stupidly failed attempts at first aid, I realize that I need to get Sara on a flat, hard surface. I need to tilt her head back properly to open her airway and chest compressions aren't effective on a mattress. I don't have time to look for the CPR board or fiddle with the position of the bed, so I opt to gather Sara's still body in my arms and pick her up; gently placing her on the solid floor. It is an awkward dance as I try not to pull on the IV or trip in the tubing and I cringe as I almost bring the pole down on us despite my best efforts.

I can't believe how light she is...even with the fact she is completely limp, I was able to pick up her tall frame as if she was a child...

Placing my fingers on her throat, I'm not surprised at the rapid weak pulse, but the nausea and fear increases none the less.

I tilt her head back and breathe for her properly this time as the room fills with people and commotion. Doctors and nurses are yelling numbers and questions at each other while kneeling down around us.

I try my best to fill in and answer the questions directed at me as my head continues to swim.

As they place monitors on her chest and take her vitals, I'm not surprised to hear the grim news; her blood pressure and pulse are practically nonexistent and she's not breathing on her own.

One of the nurses begins to prepare the necessary equipment to intubate her while another gets a transfer board to get her off the floor. I feel a flash of embarrassment and guilt for placing Sara on the floor when I hear the nurse's knee crack as she kneels down beside me injecting medication into one of Sara's IV lines.

My train of thought is suddenly interrupted when the shrill alarm of the cardiac monitor announces that Sara's heart has stopped beating properly and is now quivering out of control.

Without being told and with adrenaline now running full throttle, I quickly assume the proper position and begin chest compressions as one of the doctor's and a nurse double their efforts to intubate her while pulling the code blue alarm.

I interlock my fingers and place the base of my hand on top of her sternum and look up at one of the nurses who quickly nods her approval once the tube is successfully passed down her throat.

As I lock my elbows straight and place my full weight down into fast, deep compressions I immediately cringe and look up in fear as I hear and feel one of my love's ribs break under my hands. Given her skeletal appearance, I think I can actually see a small deformity and I wrench myself away as if I had been burnt.

Without missing a beat, the nurse next to me takes one of her hands off the ambu bag she was using to ventilate Sara and quickly places my hands back on her chest.

"Ma'am, keep going until another nurse can relieve you! You are doing the compressions properly. I know it's beyond freaky, but don't stop! Broken ribs are better than a still heart!"

Despite the nurse's encouraging words, I find myself not pressing as hard for the first few compressions until another person yells at me to press harder and go faster.

This is nothing like how it feels when they teach you on those first aid dummies...this is way, way worse...not even counting the fact that this is my soul mate...this is going to haunt my dreams for a long time to come...

With all of the medical personnel in the room running around and barking orders at each other, I can't help but wonder why they are actually allowing me to do this. At first I just reacted on instinct to try to help as fast as possible, but now I would much rather someone with more experience to be doing this.

To say I'm scared shitless is a massive understatement!

Even though it has only been a minute or two, I'm already panting from exertion and my arms are beginning to protest. The lactic acid is burning my strained muscles and if it wasn't literally a matter of life and death, I would have to concede and give my arms a break...it is that taxing. The base of my hands are throbbing and the pain is shooting up to my shoulders and across my clavicle. Despite my best efforts to keep my elbows locked and straight, they feel like rubber.

The absolute worst of all is the cracking and grinding sensation under my hands from my love's ribs with every compression. Until the day I die, I don't think I'll ever forget this feeling. I don't think I'll ever be able to crack my fingers again either...I never want to hear this sound again!

Tears are flowing freely down my face and landing on Sara's now exposed chest. I can't believe this is happening...I can't lose her again...she's all I have left!

"Okay Catherine, take your hands off her!"

At the sound of the Doctor's voice I jump back before his words even register in my brain.

I was so lost in thought, that I hadn't noticed them preparing the paddles to shock her. I never wanted to see those things again...

When the machine beeps its readiness, the doctor places the paddles on her chest and I shoot up a quick prayer to God not to take her from me yet as I hold my breath.

"Clear!"

The electrical shock is sent to her heart and Sara's entire body jerks in response. All eyes are glued on the small screen and it feels like time itself stops until the comforting mechanical beeping echoes off the walls.

Her heart is once again beating on its own!

Before I even have time to relish in the mechanical representation of her heart, chaos once again fills the room as they inject medications and whisk her up onto a stretcher and practically run her out of the room.

"You did amazing Catherine! You just helped save her life!" An older nurse says as she helps me off the floor. "I'm so sorry you had to experience that though. No one should have to see their loved one like that..."

I know I must be in shock, because I feel myself just nodding in response as she gently leads my out the door.

It's not until I see Elizabeth jogging around the corner towards me, gesturing confused at the nurse holding me, that everything finally hits me.

As the familiar nurse grabs me in a protective embrace, my mind and body give in, and I drop to my knees.

Please God help us!

**A/N the second: I would just like to mention that I know non-medical personnel would never be allowed to participate in a real trauma...I'm totally taking advantage of creative license here. I apologize if it distracted too much from realism; I just really wanted that extra shot of drama. Performing CPR is traumatic and stressful on so many levels...I'm still plagued with the occasional nightmare from past experiences. Being a nurse is nothing like they show on TV! Anyways, thanks again for reading and take care everyone!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you so much for the review Joanna! As much as I like to write to de-stress, I sometimes wonder if it's wise to post my ideas here or if I should just keep it to myself. It really helps when I get feedback, so thank you for taking the time to review :-). Here is a shorter chapter to keep things going. Thanks for reading and take care everyone!**

_Flashback_

_Sara_

"Come on already Sara! Seriously, how long does it take to make popcorn...you stick it in the microwave and hit start; It's not rocket science!" The small voice from beyond bellows.

I quickly toss the burnt bag into the garbage and kick the door shut, wafting my arms wildly in the air so as the burnt smell won't reach the living room.

They will never let me live it down if they find out I made charcoal out of the last one.

Okay, cooking isn't my thing...so shoot me!

"Yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! Start the movie already babe, I've seen Star Wars so many times I think I've memorized the first few minutes anyways!" I yell to Catherine hoping that by starting the movie, it will distract little miss smarty pants enough that she won't smell my little mishap.

I sigh with relief as I hear the classic Star Wars theme bounce off our walls as I open the microwave to reveal a half popped bag of popcorn.

"Seriously? First I burn it, then I under cook it! Is this bloody rocket science?" I mutter quietly to myself as I stick it back in for another minute.

"Do you need some help in there?" Catherine's voice rises over the movie. I can hear the subtle chuckle in her voice enough to tell me that she agrees with the little monster's assessment of my popcorn making skills.

Damn Willows clan are going to be the death of me! I swear if I wasn't so madly in love with both of them, they would drive me crazy!

"Just another minute, I'm getting the good bowl and the flavour stuff you like!" I yell my blatant lie back in reply. I've had this crappy bowl and sneeze inducing powder crap ready from before I almost set the kitchen on fire...but they don't need to know that.

When the microwave beeps I put my hand on the door and give it a warning glare before I move to open it.

"Be nice to me microwave and I'll be nice to you. If you don't ruin my popcorn again, I won't blow you up with tin foil later when we are home alone." I threaten the appliance in a low voice.

I don't care how crazy I look right now; there have to be forces unknown aiding Catherine and Lindsay...they manage to one up me more than should be statistically possible.

Pulling out the popcorn and seeing that it looks edible, I quickly pour it in the bowl and head over to my girls cuddled on the sofa. Even as they stare intently at the TV screen and barely acknowledge my approach, I smile to myself at their beauty. I love them both beyond words! They have given my life so much joy and meaning.

I squeeze my way between them and lean slightly on Catherine as Lindsay wiggles her body to lean slightly against me. I couldn't be happier.

Save for the occasional crunch of popcorn, we silently watch the movie until I think I hear something beeping in the distance. It's hard to tell at first since the movie drowns it out, but I think it's the smoke detector's battery.

I try to ignore it and enjoy Star Wars until I think about my popcorn mishap and the importance of having all of the alarms in working order. I would never want to put my two favourite girls in harm's way.

Sighing, I lean closer to Cath, who either doesn't hear it or is too engrossed in the movie to care and whisper into her ear.

"Babe, you think that's the smoke detector battery going off? You remember the last time we changed them?"

Eyes still glued to the TV, she gives me an annoyed swat and frown.

"Shh, I don't know Sar...you're missing the good part."

Smirking at her annoyed tone, I evilly decide to take advantage of this opportunity to irritate my love.

"Yeah, I guess it doesn't matter...oh wait, it does! Unless of course you want to die in your sleep from carbon monoxide and end up naked on one of Doc Robbin's tables."

Still not even glancing in my direction, she frowns and elbows me in the ribs. I know I'm getting on her nerves and that makes this all the more fun.

That's what happens when you pick a movie I've already seen a thousand times and poke fun at my snack making abilities.

Ignoring the fact she is still lightly trying to push me away, I lean closer to her ear and whisper in my low seductive voice.

"Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse right? I think you could even make being a rotting corpse look sexy! Your just that Damn hot!" I say before nibbling softly on her ear.

"Sara! You are disgusting! That is so morbid!" She half yells, half giggles while hitting me playfully on the chest.

Seeing that I got her full attention, I steal a quick kiss and sit back now that my mission to distract her from the movie is complete.

I can feel her eyes boring into the side of my head as I stare at the TV pretending to be fully engrossed in the film now myself.

She hesitates for a moment before pulling me towards her and giving me a rougher, more passionate kiss.

"Gross! Guys...seriously? Star Wars!" Lindsay complains while gesturing between us and the TV.

Still with my focus solely on Catherine, I can feel little feet nudging me before several pieces of popcorn start flying by my head.

I ignore the assault and wink at Catherine before quickly turning and lunging myself at an unsuspecting Lindsay. Caught off guard, I easily over power her and begin my tickling counter assault as she giggles and kicks wildly in vain to free herself.

Satisfied with my success, I lean away and feel Catherine gently kiss the back of my neck.

When Lindsay finally catches her breath and our giggling dies down, she reaches for the remote and pauses the movie, frowning slightly.

"Hey, I think you need to change the batteries on one of the detectors. You don't want us to all die in our sleep do you?" Lindsay says while looking up at me expectantly.

I turn toward Catherine and when my back is to Lindsay, I wag my eyebrows up and down at her before she launches a pillow at my head. Taking my cue to quit while I'm ahead, I get up to try to figure out which of the Damn things has up and died.

Walking slowing toward the kitchen, the floor softly creeks beneath my feet as I listen intently to see if that is the right one. A soft beeping to my left tells me it isn't.

Unfazed, I turn down the hall and tip toe slowly with my head tilted to the side before freezing in my tracks when I hear the beeping getting fainter. I didn't realize how many of these things we actually had...why can't there be flashing lights on them when the battery dies? This is harder to find than I thought!

Starting to get frustrated at how long this is taking, I turn back towards the living room and see both Catherine and Lindsay turned around on the sofa so that their arms are dangling off the back of it; watching me intently. I freeze in my tracks once more when I hear the beep getting louder and try to determine which direction it came from.

"Behold the Sidle in her natural habitat as she searches for the wily and elusive smoke detector." Lindsay says in a cheesy fake French accent and Cath bursts out laughing.

I quickly look up at her and gesture frustrated with my arms.

"I'm sorry Sar, but that is funny!" She says while unsuccessfully suppressing another giggle. "You do kind of look like a cat hunting prey...and it's funny."

"Yeah, a crazy cat! Oh, you could be like the crazy cat lady on the Simpson's!" Lindsay announces and they both burst out laughing again.

I throw my arms up in the air in response and give them both a death glare.

"Or...you both could actually get up and help instead of making fun of me!" I half yell over their roaring laughter.

Sighing as they seemingly pay me no heed, I continue my search and head toward the stairway. It seems too loud to be one of the ones upstairs...maybe it's the one on the landing...

I can still hear them talking lowly and giggling and despite myself I feel my anger fade. I can't stay annoyed at them long...they are both too damn cute for their own good.

But they don't need to know that either.

Silently, I throw my arms up in a mini victory dance as I approach the offending item.

"No thanks to you two lazy evil beings, I found it thank you very much!" I yell over my shoulder while opening the battery cover.

Although I can't make out what they are saying, another round of laughter makes me begin to contemplate if they still are too cute to stay mad at.

With my mission finally accomplished, I make my way back to the sofa and settle between my two monsters. They apparently both decide to have the good grace not to bring up any other cat references, so we resume watching the movie in silence.

As the harsh whooshing sounds of Darth Vader's mechanical breathing fills the room, I think I hear something coming from the kitchen.

Taking the remote from Lindsay, I pause the movie and lean over the back of the sofa. Even though I know what I'm about to hear, I hold my breath and listen in annoyed anticipation.

The battery in the kitchen's detector announces its displeasure and I throw my hands up in defeat.

Arms still outstretched, frozen with anger; Lindsay quickly snatches the remote from my hands and hits play as whooshing, beeping and laughter fills the air.

"You have got to be kidding me?"...

**A/N the second: I thought a little happy flashback would be a nice break from all the depressing stuff. Only a few more chapters and this will finally be complete. Thanks again, and take care!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.**

**A/N: Okay, I think I have one last chapter left in me before I finally put this thing to rest. I'm so sorry this took so long and that it wasn't up to par. Thanks so much for those of you that have stuck with me. Thank you to those who alerted or left feedback. I sincerely appreciated the extra effort. I hope everyone is well. Thanks and take care everyone.**

Sitting in yet another ICU room with nothing but the various machines breaking the tension filled silence, Catherine can't help but smile.

If someone were to walk by and glance in on her, they would probably think she's being horribly inappropriate; sitting next to her love that is critically ill with a grin and giggle escaping her lips.

But they would be so wrong on many levels.

For starters, Catherine can smile all she wants because today the medical team have started to decrease Sara's medications to take her out of the medically induced coma; since her body is finally showing signs of recovery.

And second, people wouldn't get the inside joke anyways. Only Catherine, Lindsay and Sara would find the combination of the ventilator sounding like Darth Vader's whooshing breathing and the cardiac monitor sounding like smoke detector's battery funny.

All they need now is a cat.

After wiping a tear from her face, Catherine stands up and places a chaste kiss on Sara's forehead before taking her seat and resuming her tight hold on Sara's limp hand.

After literally dying in Catherine's arms all those weeks ago, the medical team determined that she had contracted a viral infection that had caused fluid build-up in the sack that surrounds her heart as well as in her lungs. She was effectively drowning and if it wasn't for the quick response, she would be dead. Luckily, her cracked rib had not created any additional damage and is healing well on its own. To say it was touch and go is an understatement.

Although she remains intubated, the chest tubes had been removed a couple of weeks ago after several rounds of antibiotics cleared up the pneumonia and pericarditis. Given her other comorbidities plus the added strains from withdrawal, complications arose and damage had been done.

Sara had pushed her body to the limit and no longer able to cope, it had failed on several occasions. It scares Catherine to death that she can't even count on two hands, the number of times Sara's heart has stopped beating.

Tears from the happy memory are suddenly replaced by the anguish filled tears that consumed her the night she thought she had lost her love for good.

Well, she had lost her...for several minutes in fact.

It was one of those nights that in retrospect, she had wished she had followed her gut...although, perhaps it was meant to be.

It was a night in which Catherine was feeling weak and exhausted beyond belief. The guys had just left for the night themselves and one of the nurses had convinced Catherine to go home to try to get a proper sleep in her own bed; and they would call if anything changed.

That phone call still haunts her nightmares to this day.

/

-break-

/

_Elizabeth_

As I stare up at the clock willing the time to go by faster I can hear commotion down the hall before the all too familiar code blue alarm breaks the otherwise silent night.

I quickly glance at my patients and seeing that they are stable and I have already finished my paperwork, I slowly get up to see if my co-workers could use my assistance. I know the team that is working tonight and know they are more than capable, but a little extra help never hurts. Plus, if there are too many cooks in the kitchen, they won't hesitate to kick me out.

Rounding the corner and taking in the scene of organized chaos, I don't even notice the room number until the familiar flash of brown hair catches my eye and I momentarily freeze in my tracks.

My friend and one time patient, Sara Sidle is in full code with Marcus and Cecile frantically performing CPR.

"Charge again...come on Sara...clear!"

"Nothing. Still V-fib. Continue CPR and charge again..."

I find myself swallowing several times before I can finally find my voice and snap back into action.

"Marcus, you guys need help? Where's Catherine? Did anyone inform her?" I rush out in one breath.

Not looking up at me while the paddles charge and slightly out of breath himself, Marcus gestures for me to enter before answering.

"No, not yet...we'll get her back Liz. Cath looked exhausted, let her rest...we can tell her in the morning...clear!"

Throwing her hands up and taking a step back for the impending shock; Cecile quickly catches my eye before looking up at the ceiling.

"Actually, I called her already...she's on the way. I felt guilty because I was the one to convince her to go home. She looked really stable at the beginning of the shift...it was only half an hour ago things started to go sour...and now..."

"Shit...epi is already in right? Push vasopressin and charge again...come on Sara, you're starting to worry me...don't do this!" Marcus quickly orders and Cecile immediately complies as I put on gloves to help their efforts.

"Liz, you should have seen her...it was heartbreakingly beautiful." Cecile begins to say before stepping back again as Marcus prepares Sara for another shock. "When Catherine reluctantly agreed to leave, she kissed Sara's head and whispered how much she loves her and that she's not leaving her and like it or not, Sara was stuck with her for the long haul."

"Clear!"

"They are truly in love...it's just not fair...it's..." Cecile begins before an ominous droning alarm fills the room.

All eyes glue themselves to the monitor and we are all rendered speechless with our mouths slightly open in shock.

"Asystole..."

"No...no...you can't do this...no! Cecile keep going with CPR! Liz get me atropine and epi...we may not be able to shock a flatline, but if we can push more intracardiac Meds maybe we can get something back to shock!" Marcus yells before looking back at my motionless form.

"Elizabeth!"

Seeing his intense glare I quickly draw up the cardiac medications and watch as he expertly jabs them directly into Sara's still heart.

Cecile valiantly continues her rapid chest compressions even as tears fill her eyes and I uselessly find myself staring in shock before taking a tentative step backward.

Despite their best efforts, the monitors aren't showing any change and I find myself blinking away tears before clearing my throat and attempting to speak what I'm sure we are all thinking.

"Marcus...I...she..." I pause desperately trying to find the right words. "Is it really fair to Sara to keep this going?"

Marcus glances once again at the monitor before looking up at Cecile, then back at me.

"Cecile, Catherine should be here shortly...would you mind bringing her in here when she arrives?" He says as Cecile slows her motions before stopping and slowly nodding her reply. "Elizabeth, would you mind continuing CPR...I'll call it after Cath has the chance to say goodbye."

We all stand still silently before Marcus whips his stethoscope off his neck and violently hurls it across the room.

"Shit!...Fuck!" Marcus shouts and punches the side of the bed as his stethoscope ricochets off the wall and takes a few pieces of equipment with it on its fall.

Both Cecile and I jump slightly at the harsh noise, but don't comment as we follow his wishes.

I don't condemn his reaction at all. So many people have been involved in the care of both Sara and Catherine on several different occasions that it is damn near impossible not to take it personally.

I myself would probably have a similar reaction...but I think I'm still in shock.

Hell, I know I'm still in shock...this is too much to comprehend...and I'm a Freaking critical care nurse who sees this Shit every day and knows how unstable Sara is...was...

...oh God...

Marcus runs his hand over his face and pinches the bridge of his nose; trying desperately to maintain his composure. He silently watches me step up and begin compressions before closing his eyes as Catherine's soft voice reaches our ears from down the hall.

"...so coded as in V-fib? I knew I couldn't trust Sara to be left alone...she's the same way at home...always gotta keep one eye on her...never know what she'll get into." Catherine says with a nervous laugh to try to lighten the tension she can probably feel radiating off Cecile.

Her nervous, awkward banter slowly fades away as she steps in the room and takes in our devastated expressions.

"...oh..." Catherine mutters barely over a whisper as she looks up at us, the monitor and then her love.

After all the time Catherine has spent surrounded by medical terminology and procedures she knows the difference between V-fib and asystole. Her expression alone sends a hot flow of tears down my face.

"Oh God...Sara..." Catherine whispers past her hand that is now covering her mouth.

"We wanted..." Marcus clears his throat as his voice cracks before trying again. "We wanted you to be able to say goodbye while her brain and heart were still receiving blood and oxygen." Marcus says while putting a supportive arm around Catherine's shoulders. "I am so, so sorry Catherine."

I desperately want to convey the same sentiments to our friend, but find I can't speak past the growing lump in my throat, so I continue my half-hearted attempt at CPR while watching Catherine through tear filled eyes.

I have never felt so utterly helpless...useless in all my life.

Catherine slowly approaches the bed as Cecile pulls up a chair for Catherine to sit in if she starts to sway. Catherine see's the chair but shakes her head slowly, opting to stand near the head of the bed.

She reaches slowly to touch Sara's hair before pulling back and placing her hand over her mouth while shaking her head.

I can see Cecile adjusting her stance so that she can catch Catherine if need be and I'm grateful at least one of us has enough presence of mind, because I think I'm useless right now.

Finding resolve from only God knows where, Catherine leans closer once again and runs her hand over Sara's hair before kissing the side of her face.

Still leaning close to Sara's ear, Catherine places her left hand over my hands as I continue chest compressions while gently placing her right hand on Sara's forehead.

"Sara...my love...I know you can hear me. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. Jim loves you like a daughter and Gil, Nick, Warrick and Greg love you unconditionally. We are all so proud of you." She takes a deep shaky breath before continuing. "I promised you wouldn't die alone...and you didn't. You're surrounded by people that care and love you."

She looks up at us before letting out a heart-breaking laugh/sob before resuming her gaze on Sara's still face. Her red hair bounces slightly from side to side due to the force of my compressions on her love's chest.

"Look at all the staff here...you touched their lives. Even in a hospital this big, you managed to get into the hearts of the doctor's and nurse's...you are that special."

The various sobs and sniffles that follow serve as credence to her words.

"Look after Lindsay for me and try...or at least try to try to stay out of trouble you two." Catherine says through thick emotion while glancing up towards the heavens. "I'll see you both again soon, but I will honour my promise. I will be hard, but I'll be okay. The team will help me. Please watch over all of us."

Catherine is putting up a brave front, but her posture and eyes tell the whole story. If I didn't know better I would say that she almost looks worse than Sara.

I hate the cliché saying that people who have passed away look like they are sleeping. Although Sara looks peaceful, she doesn't look like she is sleeping. Even when people are near death, there is almost a hum of energy...an aura about them that still ties them to the land of the living. When a person dies there is a swollen, heavy look...especially in the face and eyes; it doesn't look like sleeping.

Catherine releases a deep, shaky sigh before removing her hands and taking a half step backward. Her hands are shaking so bad, I hope she's decided to take a seat. She looks like she's about to pass out. I should have told Cecile to call Mr. Jim Brass as well...Catherine shouldn't have to face this alone.

Shaking her head and running her hand down her face, Catherine tries in vain to stem the flow of tears.

She releases a hiccup sob and bites down on her lower lip before once again approaching the bed and leaning down once again toward Sara's head. Her eyes slowly take in Sara's features as if she's trying to memorize them and the sorrowful expression she holds just about breaks my remaining resolve not to completely lose it myself.

"Sara... I love you so much." She pauses to take a deep breath and places her hand on Sara's forehead, caressing it softly. "It's okay...you can go now. You don't have to fight any more if you're too tired."

Despite her best efforts, Catherine releases a sob as her voice rises in pitch and becomes a shaky squeak. Her tears fall freely onto Sara's pale face.

"It's okay Sara; you can rest and finally feel at peace. I love you now and forever...I love you..."

After giving Sara permission to let go, Catherine allows herself to do the same and releases devastating wails of agony as she buries her face in Sara's neck.

After several moments, and with all occupants in the room in tears, I feel Catherine's hand find mine as she gently, but firmly stops me from continuing CPR.

For a second I find myself frozen in time and I numbly look at her hand on mine. I can't believe this just happened. It was a relatively slow night and my patients were stable...I just so happened to have time to lend a hand to my colleagues during a code and now I'm witnessing my friend die.

Sometimes I really regret becoming a nurse; this is just too emotionally draining.

I look up just in time to see Catherine sway ever so slightly to the left, so I snap back into nurse mode and jog around the bed towards her.

As I approach, Catherine shakes her head and bites her lower lip while backing up towards the wall. Once her back connects with the solid structure, she slides herself down into a sitting position and buries her head in her knees and cries.

Anxiously, I look toward Cecile who has her head down crying and then to Marcus; none of us really know what to say or do. What Catherine said was so true; Sara touched all of our lives...she wasn't 'just another patient'...we will all grieve her loss for some time to come.

But now isn't the time. I don't regret becoming a nurse. Moments like this are why I chose this profession.

I slowly make my way towards Catherine and move the forgotten chair out of the way before kneeling down next to her. I want to respect her space, but let her know she has a shoulder to cry on when she's ready.

I'm trying my best to act calm, cool and professional for Catherine's sake; but my own heart is breaking as the shock fades and reality sets in. This once strong CSI family has had tragedy after tragedy thrown at them...I can't see how they are going to get through this one.

It's just not fair!

I place a tentative hand on Catherine's knee as I notice Marcus approach Sara's body; giving her one last sorrowful, apologetic look before moving to turn off the monitors and disconnect the vent.

As he slowly reaches the monitor, I can see him pause and stare at it intently and I find myself shaking my head in response.

He quickly looks down to me and then Cecile with renewed hope in his eyes and I instinctively move to hold Catherine a little tighter. As much as I would give anything for Sara to survive, I know she's gone and any other heroic efforts would just cause more distress to an already destroyed Catherine.

Making eye contact with Marcus I shake my head again and he intensely tilts his to the side, opening his eyes wide in response. Seeing my uselessness at the moment he turns to Cecile who is oblivious to our silent conversation; still lost in her own grief.

"Cecile, come here please!" Marcus says while staring at the screen then Sara's chest. "Look...do you see a quiver there?" He says while pointing at the screen. "It could be V-fib...get me lidocaine and charge the paddles...it can't hurt." Marcus begins CPR once again while Cecile prepares the medication.

I both feel and hear the new round of sobs overtake Catherine's body and I reach my arms around her trembling body. Her face remains buried in her knees, but she can hear the renewed commotion in the room. Her reaction disproves Marcus' notion of 'can't hurt'...but still...what if that was V-fib...

"Clear!"

The electrical crack followed by the heavier thump causes Catherine's body to jump in response and she finally leans into my supportive embrace. I'm actually starting to get more concerned for her health than Sara's. She's hyperventilating and shaking so bad through her sobs that I fear for her already strained heart.

"V-fib. Okay...one more round...come on Sara! Let's try magnesium sulfate and charge again."

"Clear!"

All sound ceases except for Catherine's cries, so I take my eyes off the broken red head to look up at both Marcus and Cecile frozen with their mouths slightly open in shock.

They actually got her back...she has a pulse.

"Okay, let's get her blood pressure back up and stabilize her before I order any other tests." Marcus says quickly snapping back into action as a few more staff enter the fray.

He retrieves his stethoscope from the mess on the floor, looking sheepish, before approaching Catherine and I. Although she still hasn't looked up yet, when she heard her love was once again amongst the land of the living, she threw herself deeper in my embrace and impossibly began to cry even harder.

Kneeling down to our level himself, Marcus looks gently at Catherine before turning his concerned glance to me.

"Catherine." I begin as she curls deeper in my arms. "Catherine, I think we should give you something to help you calm down love. Your heart is pounding and you're going into shock. We will call Jim and Gil and I'll stay with you until they get here okay?"

A slight nod in my arms is my only response so I look up to Marcus who nods himself before leaving.

"Is it okay for Marcus to give you a medication to help calm down?" I ask again to make sure she heard and understood all of what she had nodded her consent to before.

Another slow nod and sob emanates from the shaking lump in my arms, so I gently rub her hair and kiss the top of her head.

"I'm so, so sorry Catherine. I'm so sorry you've had to experience all of this. Both you and Sara are the strongest people I have ever had the honour of knowing." I mumble into her hair before looking up.

Seeing several staff members working on Sara and seeing the numbers slowly climb to acceptable levels I release a deep breath and close my eyes.

This is a day I will never forget.

"Everything...everything is going to be okay." I softly say as my voice begins to crack with emotion.

I'm not sure who I said that for...for all of us I suppose. We could all use a major therapy session right now.

I tighten my hold on Catherine and kiss the top of her head once more as we wait for the next round of whatever is yet to come. For now, we will just sit here and support each other.

This is why I am a nurse.

/

-break-

/

Catherine pulls her chair even closer to the bed and tightens her hold on Sara. She rubs the back of her hand and takes note of its soft, warm, pink appearance.

Sara is alive. She is still alive and fighting.

Putting the bed rail down, she adjusts the bed until they are level with each other. Catherine glances at the monitor one more time and smiles at the strong readings before leaning over the bed and gently placing her head on Sara's chest.

She closes her eyes and allows Sara's strong heartbeat to lull her into sleep.

Sara had pushed her body to the limit and no longer able to cope, it had failed on several occasions. The question now, is what state will she be able to get back to; both physically and mentally.


End file.
